Victim Triangle: Stop the Madness
The three players of the victim triangle are the rescuer, persecutor, and victim. As I mentioned yesterday, the roles switch in this dance and everyone gets a chance to play. So how can you stop this madness? By minding your own Ps & Qs! In other words, mind your own business and allow others to do the same! By setting your own boundaries (and honoring the boundaries set by others) you will live outside the triangle.

Going back to yesterday's example: Little Timmy and his mother are the only ones who should be involved in dealing with the situation as the situation really involves just them. To stop the dance, Father must stay in the garage and ignore the commotion between Timmy and his mother. Father cannot become a player in this game, because a third player prompts the madness of the victim's triangle.

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Kids who are sexually abused live in fear that other kids can easily pick up on this deep, dark secret. That's why many adults who were sexually abused as children tend to stay in the background so as to go unnoticed. Conversely, some adults who were sexually abused as children take the exact opposite track and seek lots of attention. Either way, they generally feel that they just don't fit in.

If you were sexually abused as a child, you learned not to trust touch. You probably thought that touch was a sexual advancement. Now that you are an adult, you still have a problem interpreting (and misinterpreting) what others want (and don't want) from you. As an adult, your natural sexual feelings can cause you to agonize about what's healthy. In other words, you want to be sexual, but at the same time, you don't want to be sexual. Sexuality often feels wrong or shameful to many victims of childhood sexual abuse.

If you are an adult who continues to hide your secret of sexual abuse, do yourself a favor and seek support from a counselor who specializes in childhood sexual abuse issues. You can rid yourself of these ghosts once and for all.

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Sandalwood's Cosmic Creations: Working with the magic of love....

What an important issue, Sandalwood. Thank you for sharing the wonderful information and advice.

I've been looking at this thread for some time now, and I agree. I think it was needed.

If anyone just wants to talk, vent, or what ever, please feel free to contact me. I don't claim to know all the answers, but I am willing to listen.

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This message was typed in front of a live studio audience!

How thoughtful and wonderful you are Splatt. Welcome and thank you for being there for us.

Guilt, Shame, and Fear of Abandonment
If you suffer from undue guilt, shame, or fear of abandonment, here's what NOT to do, don't try to 'fix' your fears through your kids.

For example, if your parents shamed you when you tried something new and failed, or if they tried to make you feel guilty so that you would do things for them, or if they threatened to send you way to live with foster parents or relatives when they couldn't control you, do not try to make it up to yourself through your kids.

In other words, don't do everything for your kids because no one did anything for you. Spoiling your children may "emotionally disable" them. This means that they won't get a chance to learn valuable lessons about being an adult (such as dealing with feelings and learning how to be responsible). Stop enabling your children! You are only hurting them in the long run.

So right you are on this one Jo...Been there..Done that..Changed it...I am so glad that I did too!!

I think that we have to be careful also that they people and person that we choose as friends and mates do not make us feel this way either..We tend to want to repeat what we know as children to feel safe..When you notice this..Gently move away from those who are like this....

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Sandalwood's Cosmic Creations: Working with the magic of love....

Childhood Sexual Abuse
Kids who are sexually abused live in fear that other kids can easily pick up on this deep, dark secret. That's why many adults who were sexually abused as children tend to stay in the background so as to go unnoticed. Conversely, some adults who were sexually abused as children take the exact opposite track and seek lots of attention. Either way, they generally feel that they just don't fit in.

If you were sexually abused as a child, you learned not to trust touch. You probably thought that touch was a sexual advancement. Now that you are an adult, you still have a problem interpreting (and misinterpreting) what others want (and don't want) from you. As an adult, your natural sexual feelings can cause you to agonize about what's healthy. In other words, you want to be sexual, but at the same time, you don't want to be sexual. Sexuality often feels wrong or shameful to many victims of childhood sexual abuse.

If you are an adult who continues to hide your secret of sexual abuse, do yourself a favor and seek support from a counselor who specializes in childhood sexual abuse issues. You can rid yourself of these ghosts once and for all.

Oops Jo..I already posted this exact same thing the other day..But it is a good one huh?

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Sandalwood's Cosmic Creations: Working with the magic of love....

Sorry I did this late . . .

Shuttlebunny, you need to be the sculptor of your life. You can't let anyone change anything about you, unless if it is for the better. However, what your father's goals were don't seem to be for the better in a sense.
Success comes with pride. Pride comes with greed. Greed comes to sin. What I'm saying is that success isn't sinning. But when you become enveloped in it, it eventually leads to sin.
Living in itself is success. That should be good enough a success for anybody to love anybody else.

I'm not trying to say your father is a mean, cold-hearted man. He might just have a different view of success or not realize what an abundance of success could do. I'm sure he loves you deep down inside, success or no success.

I have an update on my grandmother . . . this morning around 12:30 she died. I was looking forward to seeing her today. she died at the age of 90. Fluid was building up in her body, and eventually it built up to her lungs and heart, disabling her to breath or circulate blood.

My blessings Boyscout..I am sorry to hear about your grandmother..I will send a prayer that she finds her way quickly and easily..

Big hugs and love to you!!

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Sandalwood's Cosmic Creations: Working with the magic of love....

Sorry to hear of your loss BoyScout, I will say a prayer for your family.

I am terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother, BoyScout. I am glad that she was lucky enought to live to the age of 90. The things that woman saw in her lifetime are hard to even imagine. God bless her. I am sure that she is at peace, as I am sure that she carried your love with her. Keep her memory alive and feel blessed that you were able to be a part of her life and love.

Sorry BoyScout..I know how hard it is to lose a grandparent, especially at your age.

Save up your happy memories to take to her in your dreams, until you meet again.

I am sorry to hear about your grandmother, BoyScout. My prayers are with you.

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Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother Boyscout, I know what you must be going through (my grandmother died of cancer at Easter - and, because I work away from home, I never got to make it back to see her when she started to go downhill before she died).

I know it's tough, but you've just got to keep thinking that you did your best for her, being a good grandson and making her proud, and that she's well away from all the pain and suffering now. I often think that my Gran will be really happy now that she's got a vantage point up on a cloud somewhere where she can see and hear everything that's going on!

I want to thank everybody for there sympathy towards me. I am trying to be happy here, but it just isn't working. Today I'm going to the wake and tomorrow the funeral. If you don't see me around don't worry.

We won't worry but we will be thinking about you BoyScout and look forward to your return.

Just moving this up for SweetieCindy so that she can see where we think her posts would fit best.

There is a lot of concern and empathy in this thread for those who have suffered pain and/or loss.

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From over the pond....

Hello SweetieCindy, I have copied yours and Sandalwood's posts from your 'What we dont see' thread. Welcome to the Support Group. We are all here to comfort each other and we are pleased to have you with us. Hugs.

quote:

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There are things we dont think about in times that we need to. There are things that we dont see when we need to. There are things that we ignore because we may not care about it or we are to busy with out own
dayly things to worry about it. The thing I am trying to point out to you is that we need to think about people's pain and what they live through. Yes you might be a person that has so much to do or your to big and bad to care or even if you or a all that popular person to prissy to even think about it. Well let me tell you what, no matter who you are you better start caring because the
people that are in pain with there dayly lifes and familys might even be people that you care about. Even though it might not be you or anybody else that you know and you are to dumb to even care, but let me tell you
this at the last moment it will hit you and I know every person on this Earth as at least
had one or more times where they had pain in there lives. I bet you are thinking that I am one sad person for righting this and yes I am for that some dont care. They just dont care about what others think, say or even do. I am not sad about my life. I am proud of it and in this matter I did have my hard
moments but I am over that and I wanted everyone to know no matter who you are unhappyness is there waiting for you no matter if it already came or what ever it is always there.

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sandalwood

quote:

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You are correct SweetieC....

I think that sometimes it is hard to understand a specific pain unless you have experienced yourself.....

It is a great gift to understand and have empathy for others troubles and pains in life and it is wonderful to be able to acknowledge to that person that you are able to understand and offer to help if you can...

But I also feel that we cannot carry others peoples pain with us..It would make our own individual lives to painful and horrible on a day to day basis..

We all experience pain and hardship and I think that if looked at each situation and really think it through,we can find a well learned lesson and an understanding that we are basically all the same with the same hurts,joys,dream and love .....I think this is what makes us all one in a way..and maybe it all needs to be experienced for the understanding to dawn on each one of us....

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Attraction and Rejection

I attract partners who reject me. What's happening?

Maybe you are actually bringing these types of partners into your life, partners who are based on "old images" of love that you have learned from early life experience. For example, if your parents in some way rejected you, you will form an image of rejection as an element of being loved. In others words, you learned that people who love you show their love by "rejecting" you. So as an adult, you actually "seek" out partners who will eventually reject you because this is what you "think" love is, when in fact it is the purest form of "rejection." In order to change this pattern you have created for yourself, you must bring this into your consciousness. Find a counselor to talk to about it, and give yourself a new image of what kind of love you want in your new relationship.

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Sandalwood's Cosmic Creations: Working with the magic of love....

Moving this up again for SweetieCindy, so she can see that everything she posted really is here just as she originally wrote it. Nothing has been altered in the transfer, so you're all set now!

Reading through this ....I am struck with how important it is to communicate feelings.
My family were not good at it. I could never tell my parents anything about what I was feeling. I went through my childhood afraid to ask or should I say not confident enough to ask if my parents had split up. This must sound strange , but I was born at the start of the war and my father never came back to live with us. I had no memory of him ever living with us and I suppose I always thought he would come 'back from the war' (even in 1950!!)Nobody told me otherwise. Nobody actually said , 'your father left'. It made me VERY careful to inform my children , and reassure them when my own marriage failed.
There have been a lot of trials and tribulations due to lack of communication but I am so grateful for one thing:
My father had been ill and he was blind and he was going to die soon. I wrote to him and told him everything that I could about how I ahd felt about him ,how proud I had been of him as a child . I was even able to say 'I love You... I have always loved you ' to him .I dont think any of the three of us had ever said it before , can you believe?Well his lovely wife read the letter to him and he was thrilled and wanted to hear it over and over. This from a man who had never shown emotion outwardly to anyone. What I am trying , in my rambling way , to say is.... for goodness sake , tell people what you feel before it is too late! Love ren

Awwww Ren..This is beautiful..I know how hard it had to be for you to break the pattern..I tell my kids how much I love them and my family also...

Yes it is important to say it..especially when you are feeling it..if all it takes sometimes is to pick up the phone and do it..Then do it...

Thank you sooo much for sharing that story..I am going to email my dad right now and tell him again.....

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Sandalwood's Cosmic Creations: Working with the magic of love....