Do NOT remorse about not going to see your grandfather yesterday. If you had, and he died the next day, you would feel guilty about not being there. If you were there when he died, than you would prbally feel worse. IF you feel guilty about not saying goodbye, then at his funrel, just whisper it then.But, as I believe that our loved ones are never trully gone, not only through our memories, but that they watch over us, so don't say good-bye. Say see you later. Has anyone heard the song. "One Sweet Day"? I'll try to get a copy of the words...

------------------
"When in doubt, duck. When absolutly certain, don't bother, cuz your already screwed." ~ Unknown

[This message has been edited by ReanaZ (edited 12-24-2000).]

Dear Ashes, sorry to hear about your Grandfather. I think it can be very healing to say goodbye even once someone has past on. You could write a little letter and slip it onto the coffin. Tell your grandad how you feel and how his life impacted on you.

When my partners grandparents past away, we put a small ball of yarn on the grandmothers coffin (she was a very crafty woman and liked knitting) and some shortbread on the grandfathers coffin (he just loved a cup of tea and a cookie). It served as a special connection between us and them and a way of saying goodbye.

Don't be ashamed to be upset. Your sadness indicates that you loved your grandfather and that he must have been a good man.

My thoughts are with you.

I don't really know where else to ask this, so I can here. I just found out that one of my friends sometimes does drugs. She only has 3-4 times, and has only been high once. (Which resulted in a stripping incedent) I've never been there when she's done drugs, and her parents don't care. I'd never suspected it of her. She's never came t school stoned/drugged out whatever. I don't know what to do. I'm worried for her.

------------------
"I used to hate math because it had to many numbers. Now I hate math because it has to many letters." ~Me, in Algebra.

ReanaZ, get her help NOW. If she only used drugs for one or two or three times, you NEED to get her help! She may be mad at you in the beggining, but trust me, it will be a lot better than losing her forever.

What a complete load of BS....are you a social worker qualified in handling cases involving narcotics?....as well as expert on just about everything else...it's been some 12 years then....tell me how as a 12 yearold Boy Scout you have the worldly experience to advise someone on how to deal with someone who is experiencing emotions and feelings taht you yourself ahve yet to experience?...just how arrogant are you BoyScout?...and just how irresponsible?....your advise as usual is based on text book right wing dogma which is fine in theroy but never has a place in the practical world....one day someone may just take your ill-informed and the consequences will not be played out on these threads like some virtual-sserial drama but will be real...geez you know nothing of the girl's situation....you have no grasp of what she would be experiencing having never experienced it before yet your advice...reactionary and final...stay out of things you have no idea about BS, do you know what that means ?....Reannz I am not for a minute suggesting that your friend whoever she may be should continue on an all-drugs diet but believe me the drugs are a manifestation of another problem she is dealing with...sure you can whist her4 away A-Team style like they did to Mr Mackay in South park but the problem won't be fixed....she'll find it very easy to get hold of something to dull the emotional pain if she wants to..she can walk to a liquor store no doubt...believe it or not alcohol is just as if not a more dangerous drug, especially in these cases then anything she may smoke through a pipe....I'd say talk to her.....I mean she may just be experiencing life..we all do at some stage..well not BS as he hasn't got there yet, but it is not something that anyone should interfere into lightly....you have to make your own mind up about how you want to live, whether you try to stop this from happening to this girl now, or not is irrelevant in the big picture...you can't be next to her 24 hrs a day...no one can...if the spirit is willing or is motivated for whatever reason, especially if the reason is to dull emotional pain, then there is nothing you can do to stop it...you will probably be making her more determined..remember we are not all the same and our level for tolerance (look that word up BS) greatly differs from person to person..so does our ability to cope in the society that is presented to us....don't worry so much as see it as another part of your friendship..another bridge to cross..it was coming some time....help her, be there for her, give her options..you know be her friend...not her school guidance counceller that BS suggested you be...just my opinion...not saying it's definitive...that would be impossible...just saying that my experiences in this sort of thing have made me believe that actually being the person's friend is the best option...they will have enough people thinking the way BS does as it is, what with parents, school etc...try to find out why and if it is just experimentation then make your stance known and let the cards fall where the may...they'll be falling there anyway, it'll just be nastier and more reactionary at a later adte if you go the BS way now....hope this helps...

------------------
If all the worlds wealth were divided between every man, woman & child
presently alive on the planet, we would all have $13 million a piece.
**************************************************

$13 Million for every single Human....
**************************************************

Gonna agree with Karma on this one--unless your friend is on hard drugs then the emotional side of this is more important. BS--I've many a friend who does are has done drugs--it's not a major thing until they do it constantly--ie: 1 or 2 times a day or more--other wise emotional stability is more important. Then again if they actually enjoy it and do it for fun you have a problem cause it's their choice.

Karma, your advise might be more useful had it not been written in such gibberish.

I agree with you.

Some experimentation is normal. I myself, have tried coke, hash & marijuana when I was younger (18-19). I use no Illegal drugs now. I never got as far as free-basing or injecting.

I do think that BoyScout is correct in one respect. It needs to be brought out in the open. I am not trained as a counsiler (and I don't think you are either Karma), but I don't see any harm in more open communication.

Thanks guys. Don't go so hard on boyscout. He's just rtying to help. I tried taking to her once, she kinda blew me off. I going to corner her when I get a chance and have a long heart to heart if I can. thanks all of you.

------------------
"I used to hate math because it had to many numbers. Now I hate math because it has to many letters." ~Me, in Algebra.

TTT in case anyone needs it.

------------------
"Heaven won't accept me, and Hell's afraid I'll take over."

Bringing this up in case anyone should need a friend to talk to.

I didn't realise that this thread was here until today so I'm going to open my heart to you because I have a major problem in my life.
My problem is my fear of men. Not all men but most men. Especially being alone with men I don't know or don't trust.

How does this affect my life? Well apart from the abysmal failure in any relationship I’ve had in the last 15 to16 years I can’t stand to have repairmen in the house, especially plumbers. I live in state housing so I have no control over which repairmen are chosen. Usually, if it’s a minor problem, I ask a neighbour to fix it. Two of them I have known for years and I feel safe with them. But if I have to have repairmen in I have to ask my son to stay home from class and I go out. Then I ring my son up to see if they have come and gone.

Why am I so afraid? It stems from my marriage that ended in 1984. If repairmen came while my husband was at work he would accuse me of having an affair with them (he put it a lot more crudely). I would get a beating.

Why am I so nervous when it’s the plumbers? It stems from one occasion. My husband was on holidays and went down to the phone box to call the plumbers. He came back and said he was going to see a friend. When he came home and the plumbing had been fixed he asked me to run a bath. He then started to accuse me. He pulled me into the bathroom and kept held me under the water. Whenever I stopped struggling he would pull me out and I would revive. He would accuse me again and when I said no he held me under again. He must have done this half a dozen times until I “admitted my guilt”. Then he beat me. My eldest son saw this. I could hear him pleading with his father to stop.

Why did I stay with this man? When my eldest son was a baby I thought there was something wrong and took him to hospital. He had broken ribs. I was asked how he had broken them. I said I didn’t know (the truth). When the Child Protection Board asked my husband he must have pointed the finger at me. The social workers thought he was so nice. One social worker told my mother that they believed I did it because my husband “was such a loving father”. My husband bashed me up one night and I ran away. I went into hospital to visit my baby. The hospital staff informed the social worker on our case. She talked to me the next day. She said to me that my husband was under a lot of stress “because of my behaviour”.

Back then social workers had no training so I suppose that that was why they couldn’t understand. I got a real bad name with them and he came up looking like roses.

One day when my third son was a baby my eldest son (6 years old) asked if he could go to see “Return of the Jedi”. He was so keen to see it that I asked my husband’s permission (I had to ask his permission for nearly everything). He said yes so we went. (My husband was unemployed by this stage and was so concerned that I would leave him that he would always make sure he had at least one of the children with him). When I got back my husband’s uncle was visiting. I had a headache so I asked my husband if it was alright for me to have a nap. When I woke up my husband and his uncle weren’t in the house but one of my husband’s friends was. I ask him were my husband was and he told me that the police had arrested him. He didn’t know what for. I asked him to leave.

Later the police bought my husband home and looked over our house. I asked my husband what had happened and he told me he had stolen some stuff. One of the policeman said “Tell her the truth”. My husband wouldn’t say. The policeman told the other policeman to take my husband out to the car so that I could be told the truth. The policeman told me that while I was at the cinema the little girl from next door had knocked on my door and asked to play with my children. My husband asked her in and he molested her.

My husband got a six-months sentence for molesting a 4 year old child (should have thrown away the key).

One of my friends (who had really liked my husband) told me off while my husband was in prison because I was seeing another man. She said I was still married and I should be ashamed of myself. I told her my marriage had ended the day he touched that little girl. My so-called friend told me that if I had been good in bed my husband wouldn’t have done what he did. For the first time (and only time in my life) I hit another woman and I never spoke to her again.

The parents of the little girl were really nice to me before they moved away.

I’ll stop here for now I think as I have gone on to long already. I find it hard to talk about these things face to face with anyone as people don’t want to hear it most of the time.

[This message has been edited by zozo (edited 03-10-2001).]

I didn't realise that this thread was here until today so I'm going to open my heart to you because I have a major problem in my life.
My problem is my fear of men. Not all men but most men. Especially being alone with men I don't know or don't trust.

How does this affect my life? Well apart from the abysmal failure in any relationship I’ve had in the last 15 to16 years I can’t stand to have repairmen in the house, especially plumbers. I live in state housing so I have no control over which repairmen are chosen. Usually, if it’s a minor problem, I ask a neighbour to fix it. Two of them I have known for years and I feel safe with them. But if I have to have repairmen in I have to ask my son to stay home from class and I go out. Then I ring my son up to see if they have come and gone.

Why am I so afraid? It stems from my marriage that ended in 1984. If repairmen came while my husband was at work he would accuse me of having an affair with them (he put it a lot more crudely). I would get a beating.

Why am I so nervous when it’s the plumbers? It stems from one occasion. My husband was on holidays and went down to the phone box to call the plumbers. He came back and said he was going to see a friend. When he came home and the plumbing had been fixed he asked me to run a bath. He then started to accuse me. He pulled me into the bathroom and kept held me under the water. Whenever I stopped struggling he would pull me out and I would revive. He would accuse me again and when I said no he held me under again. He must have done this half a dozen times until I “admitted my guilt”. Then he beat me. My eldest son saw this. I could hear him pleading with his father to stop.

Why did I stay with this man? When my eldest son was a baby I thought there was something wrong and took him to hospital. He had broken ribs. I was asked how he had broken them. I said I didn’t know (the truth). When the Child Protection Board asked my husband he must have pointed the finger at me. The social workers thought he was so nice. One social worker told my mother that they believed I did it because my husband “was such a loving father”. My husband bashed me up one night and I ran away. I went into hospital to visit my baby. The hospital staff informed the social worker on our case. She talked to me the next day. She said to me that my husband was under a lot of stress “because of my behaviour”.

Back then social workers had no training so I suppose that that was why they couldn’t understand. I got a real bad name with them and he came up looking like roses.

One day when my third son was a baby my eldest son (6 years old) asked if he could go to see “Return of the Jedi”. I was so keen to see it that I asked my husband’s permission (I had to ask his permission for nearly everything). He said yes so we went. (My husband was unemployed by this stage and was so concerned that I would leave him that he would always make sure he had at least one of the children with him). When I got back my husband’s uncle was visiting. I had a headache so I asked my husband if it was alright for me to have a nap. When I woke up my husband and his uncle weren’t in the house but one of my husband’s friends was. I ask him were my husband was and he told me that the police had arrested him. He didn’t know what for. I asked him to leave.

Later the police bought my husband home and looked over our house. I asked my husband what had happened and he told me he had stolen some stuff. One of the policeman said “Tell her the truth”. My husband wouldn’t say. The policeman told the other policeman to take my husband out to the car so that I could be told the truth. The policeman told me that while I was at the cinema the little girl from next door had knocked on my door and asked to play with my children. My husband asked her in and he molested her.

My husband got a six-months sentence for molesting a 4 year old child (should have thrown away the key).

One of my friends (who had really liked my husband) told me off while my husband was in prison because I was seeing another man. She said I was still married and I should be ashamed of myself. I told her my marriage had ended the day he touched that little girl. My so-called friend told me that if I had been good in bed my husband wouldn’t have done what he did. For the first time (and only time in my life) I hit another woman and I never spoke to her again.

The parents of the little girl were really nice to me before they moved away.

I’ll stop here for now I think as I have gone on to long already. I find it hard to talk about these things face to face with anyone as people don’t want to hear it most of the time.

zozo, We are hear to listen, so don't feel bad about anything said. It's a shame that one man can disrupt and destroy anyones life. Is there anyway you could get some counselling from somewhere? I don't know what services you have there, but seeing that your problem is one shared by many women around the world, there should be something. Fear of men is not unique, and in some cases it is warrented. I myself always make sure there is another man around when I have repair men in the house. I believe many
women would agree. Not all men are abusive, but one man has made you feel unsafe. I hope you can find a way to take your life back. I will be thinking of you. Good luck, and please try to find someone to talk to. gammab

Dearest zozo, I read your story about five times trying to think of what to say. No one should ever have to go through the pain, heartache and abuse that you did. I admire your strength, courage, and willingness to share your story and your desire to be a survivor in spite of your past experiences.

After what you have gone through, it is no wonder that you have a fear of men. Fear is one of the earliest and most basic emotions. It is necessary for survival. Fears, such as abandonment, rejection, the unknown, and death are all manifestations of our inability to "control" our world. How can you control other people's actions, or abandonment, death, the unknown, and rejection?

I believe that your husband was fearful of his own demons and tried to control these fears by trying to "control" you through physical and emotional abuse.

Know that fear is related to feelings of insecurity. This vicious circle begins with the loss of security about the world, which creates the feeling of fear. This fear, in turn, creates insecurity in you, and about yourself, and then you feel the sense of loss of control. Realizing you have no control creates intense personal anxiety. (Then the cycle starts all over again.)

It sounds to me that you have come a long w
To overcome fear, you must have the willingness to continue to move forward in spite of your fear. The more you do to face your fears when you are afraid, the more power you'll have over them and the less anxiety you'll experience. If you cannot overcome your fears yourself, seek professional support. Don't let fear run or ruin your life.

The women I have known in the past who were vitums of physical and emotional abuse end up with both physical and emotional boundaries. This is a natural way to protect yourself, thinking that if you don't let anyone get close to you, you won't have to go through the pain and torment again. Physical boundaries refer to the actual physical space you place between you and another human being. Emotional boundaries involve the relationships we have with other people, and how we share our needs and feelings with others. Since you have experienced both the emotionl and the physical forms abuse you might have a fear of letting anyone into your life.

There is a great book entitled, "Where You End and I Begin," by Anne Katherine. The author uses people's stories to help the reader understand how boundaries are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing healthy relationships. Anne Katherine explains what healthy boundaries are, how to recognize when our personal boundaries are being violated, and what you can do to protect yourself.

I don't have any children of my own, but I did have an abusive step father, so I can relate to the pain your children must be going through. I am not a therapist or a councellor but I can say from personal experience that learning to love yourself is the most important thing for you and your children can do. Hold them close to your heart and listen to everything they have to say and make them feel good and proud of each and every accomplishment they achieve.

I send you and your children light and love and the warmest wishes during your healing process and please remember that we will always be here for you zozo.

zozo,

i sensed you were special.

what an amazing, beautiful woman you are.

------------------
"you are a beautiful, beautiful, ****ed up man" -sarah mclachlan.

Zozo, Reading your post and the responses I think you can see you are not alone.
Healing any fear is a journey in itself and healing starts with loving ourseleves first. Learning to forgive and learning about self worth is the road to freeing ourselves of old fears. We all have fears based on our experiences, your past with an abusive husband is an all to familiar story. But know that the human spirit is strong, you can find evidence of personal power in many places. May I sujest a book my Gary Zukav called "The Seat of the Soul". You might also watch Oprah Winfrey's show she often has Gary on as a guest.
Asking for help is a great first step, even being able to tell your story is a big step. Please know that your are supported on your journey of finding the greatness of you, it's there you have but to find it.

zozo, this is just a note to let you know that I am thinking of your and wishing you all the happiness that you so much deserve in life.

I feel like a rat right now.

I just found out this morning that my Aunt has died. She apparently sometime early yesterday morning. Because of my busy life, I found out now. A couple family members tried to call, but since we only have phone line (and I was probably on the internet at the time), we missed the call.

I spent most of yesterday thinking that I should drop her an email. Little did I know that she was gone.

She had been ill for several years and pretty much wasting away. We had tried to convince my uncle that she neede more care than he could provide, but he still wanted her at home. He himself is not in the best of health and hasn't been for a least a decade due to a truck accident.

My mother and I are leaving for the funeral Saturday morning. A lot of family is planning to attend. Most of us are staying at a local hotel as not to bombard my uncle or cousins. I wanted to see my family again, but not under these circumstamces.

---just editting the typos---

[ 04-12-2001: Message edited by: splatt123 ]

Dearest Splatt, you have my deepest sympathies. Please don't feel guilty, because that will only eat you up inside. It is the love the you gave to her throughout the years and all the times you spent with her is matters the most. Knowing you as well as I do, I am sure that you showed her much love during her lifetime and I am sure that she cherished every moment with you. I give you love and light and a warm hug and my thoughts are with you and yours, dear Splatt.

Love,
Jo

Thank you, JoJo.

I must admit I got my information wrong. So, from that stand point I feel better. She passed late last night a few minutes before 11pm. They were trying to contact me to let me know her death was imminent.

I just got off the phone with my uncle and cousins. They are taking it very well right now. I think this is a bit of relief for them. Caring for my aunt was a bit of a strain for them.

Zozo and splatt - I didn't keep up with reading this thread so this post is one of those "sorry I didn't read this earlier" posts. I don't really have anything worthwhile or inspiring to write, but didn't want to remain silent either. So here's just letting you both know that you gave me pause to stop in my day and think about others and their troubles. Include me with the others who are behind you both and wishing you courage and strength to get through difficult times.

Dear Splatt, just a note before you leave for the funeral, to let you know that I am thinking of you and send you my warmest thoughts and a warm hug.

This is such a difficult thread to read. My heart swells up and feels like it's going to burst. I hate that people have had to experience such pain, fear, and agony. Splatt here's something you may want to consider doing. I know that you like to garden, so why not plant a flower, shrub or tree for your aunt. Try planting something she liked if she had a favorite that will grow in your area. Everytime the flower blooms you will think of her and relive the good memories you shared with her. And, hopefully, it will make you smile. Take care hon - Annie

I know I am not the best at helping others deal with loss, but my heart does go out to each and every one of you. I have gone through three of the most trying days of my life and its not quite over yet. My grandmother (moms side) had a heart attack on Tuesday Morning and is in ICU. They unplugged the life support yesterday afternoon but she is still fighting on her own, though she is braindead. While waiting for her rest my brother gets the call that our aunt (late fathers sister) has passed from her colon cancer. so if grandma finally lets go (as we pray she will, she has suffered enough) I will have two funerals in the next few days to attend, both with a broken heart...

Dearest eyeball,

Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your aunt and for your grandmother's failing health. The loss of a loved one is always painful and the possibility of losing another member in the family during the same week must be incredably difficult for you. I know that you are a very sweet and caring person and I am sure that you gave both of them much joy and happiness over the years. Try to be happy that they got to live such a long life and be proud of all the love you have given them. Love is the most magnificent gift you can give to someone. Cherish the time you have had with them and forever keep them in your heart. During this time of grieving, please take care of yourself. I know it is probably hard for you to eat or sleep, but I hope you will try to take care of yourself as all your friends here care about you. Hold your loved ones close to you, and I send you warmth, light, a warm hug, and love to help you through.

Love,
Jo