Make Your Own Mozzarella!

15 Points Per Correct Answer - No time limit  

1. First of all, let's talk about milk. Mozzarella is traditionally made with water buffalo milk, but unless you live in India you probably don't have any on hand. What kind of milk can you use to make your cheese? Milk of Magnesia The milk of human kindness Goat's or cow's milk Chocolate milk

2. How much milk do you use for a nice batch of cheese? One ounce An industrial-sized truck full One cow full One US gallon

3. You'll need three more ingredients to make your cheese. The first is citric acid, a natural chemical. It acidifies the milk to help make nice stretchy cheese. You can buy this at your local Jewish deli or other store carrying Jewish items. What will it be called? Chopped liver Oy gevalt, you're asking me? Sour salt Schmaltz

4. The next ingredient you'll need is rennet. Rennet coagulates the milk. Rennet has two sources- what are they? Paste and glue Animal rennet from calf stomachs or vegetable rennet from fungi Ren and Stimpy The Federal Reserve and the Smithsonian

5. And you'll also need some salt. Which kind of salt is best for cheesemaking? Salt of the earth Old Salt Salt and Pepa Kosher salt

6. What equipment will you need to make your cheese? Nothing. The true purist needs nothing. A dairy farm, a huge production vat, and ten thousand laborers A stainless steel pot, a thermometer, measuring spoons, a glass measuring cup, a stirring spoon, a colander, a bowl and some cheesecloth A Tinkertoy set, an erector set, and one of those cool chemistry kits

7. All that gear that you use to make the cheese should be as sterile as possible. What is NOT a good way to sterilize your cheesemaking stuff? A trip to Three Mile Island or Chernobyl Boiling water Bleach The dishwasher

8. All right, let's make cheese! Put that milk in your pot and stir in some citric acid dissolved in a quarter cup of water. How much citric acid do you use? The national production of Armenia 5 pounds One and one quarter teaspoons A whole whole bunch

9. Now put the pot in a sinkful of nice hot water, stick the thermometer in it and stir it every once in awhile. How warm do you want it to get? Fahrenheit 451 6 degrees of separation -52 Kelvin 88 degrees Fahrenheit

10. Once it's at the correct temperature, take the pot out of the water and add 10 drops of rennet, mixed in a quarter cup of water. Let the pot sit, covered, for 15 minutes. What will happen? Your Italian grandmother will materialize and tell you that you are doing it all wrong The rats will abandon the Pied Piper and move in with you The Health Department will show up at your doorstep The milk will coagulate into a firm curd

11. Using a long-bladed knife, cut the curd into 1-inch cubes. Put the pot back into the sink and add enough hot water to the sink to bring the temperature up to about 115 degrees F. Stir gently every now and then for 40 minutes.What will you see happening in your pot now? Your future is reflected in the whey Whey more than you expected No whey! The curds will shrink and you'll see lots of whey

12. After 40 minutes, line a colander with the cheesecloth and balance it over a big pot or bowl. Pour the curds and whey into the colander. Let sit 10 minutes. What will you have in the colander? A lump of curd that looks something like cheese! A lump on the head A lump of gold A lump of sugar

13. It's almost cheese! Break off a cup of curd and put it into a glass measuring cup. Sprinkle it with a quarter-teaspoon of salt. Stick it in the microwave on high for 50 seconds. What will it resemble when you take it out? Silly Putty in cream Something from your wildest nightmares The Creature from the Black Lagoon Elvis Presley

14. Using a stainless steel spoon, stretch and compress the ball of cheese a few times, like pulling taffy. Stick it back in the microwave for 25 more seconds. Take it out and stretch and compress it more, like playing with a lump of Play-Doh. Pour off the excess whey and continue stretching. When it's cooled a bit, take it out of the cup and pull it out and form it back into a ball a few times. Then roll it into a nice ball. What do you do with it now? Soak it in a cold brine or let it dry a bit Play a little handball Feed it to the dog Press it onto the Sunday comics to pick up the pictures

15. Repeat the steps until all the curd is used up. Ta-da! You now have about 4 balls of mozzarella cheese! What's the best way to preserve whatever you don't devour immediately? Most of all you've got to hide it from the kids Freeze it Put it in a hiding place where no one ever goes Put it in the pantry with your cupcakes