Special Sub-Topic: Pre-Indicators of Domestic Violence Click Here To Play: Pre-Indicators of Domestic Violence

TRUE OR FALSE? The victim feels as though she may be at risk.

t. TRUE. The victim intuitively senses that she might be getting into a bad situation, but many times may feel helpless or unsure of how to get out of it.

TRUE OR FALSE? At the beginning of the relationship, the man may have accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together and marriage.

t. TRUE. In the realm of the abuser's insecurities and feelings of low self-esteem, he will want a commitment within an uncomfortably short period of time. He wants to 'sweep his victim off of her feet' as quickly as possible, 'falls in love' with undue speed, and 'kill her with kindness', presenting himself as a Knight In Shining Armor whose sole purpose in life is to make her happy and protect her. Unfortunately, once he believes that he has trapped his victim, hook, line and sinker, he reveals his true colors and that shining armor rusts very quickly.

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser will resolve conflicts by talking things out calmly.

f. FALSE. An abuser resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence. If screaming and threats don't force his victim to comply with the abuser's demands, he may well strike her. NOTE: Some abuser skip the screaming and threats and go directly to physical abuse.

TRUE OR FALSE? The abuser will often use threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse. This includes threats to harm physically, to belittle, to embarrass, to restrict freedom, to disclose secrets or tell lies, to cut off support, to abandon, and to commit suicide.

t. TRUE. An abuser intends to get his way in any way possible. He may threaten a multitude of things, beat his victim or threaten to kill himself and tells the victim that SHE would be responsible for his death. Some abusers will commit suicide, but this is, for the most part, a tactic to keep his victim under his control. This type of treatment brainwashes the victim into rejecting any thoughts of leaving. NOTE: Some people will ask, "Well, why doesn't she just leave?" It's not easy to leave an abuser. The appropriate question should be, "What is PREVENTING her from leaving?" In many cases, it is fear. Fear of not being able to make a home and living for herself and her children, fear of being murdered, fear of harm to her children, family members and/or friends, fear of being forever alone. Loneliness is not merely uncomfortable, it is a terrifying thing due to her co-dependence on others.

TRUE OR FALSE? Most abusers have never battered in prior relationships.

f. FALSE. Unless it is the abuser's very first relationship, he has battered in previous relationships. Many times, former victims will try to warn his new victim, but it falls on deaf ears or he 'explains' his way out of it to his new victim. She sees his facade of the Knight in Shining Armor and is 'in love', so she rarely takes heed.

TRUE OR FALSE? Abusers may use alcohol or drugs with adverse affects (such as memory loss, hostility, cruelty), citing them as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct ("That was the booze talking, not me; I got so drunk, I was crazy").

t. TRUE. What most folks don't know is that while drugs/alcohol may lower inhibitions, an abuser will CHOOSE to abuse sober, drunk or high. Abuse is a CHOICE on the part of the abuser. He can either abuse or not abuse - period.

TRUE OR FALSE? Abusers are good citizens who never break the law and who never have had encounters with the police or the court system.

f. FALSE. An abuser's history usually includes police encounters for behavioral offenses (threats, stalking, assault, battery). Usually, these offenses are geared towards women only as an abuser is basically a coward who avoids confrontations with other males or police officers. This is not always the case though. A DV call is the most dreaded of all police calls as the officers have no idea of how volitile a DV situation is when they arrive. The abuser may be docile towards them or may try to attack them with weapons. NOTE: Victims may cling to an officer or attack him/her to 'protect her man' after the police arrive.

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser allows his victim to move about freely, make whatever purchases she chooses and behave as she feels she should.

f. FALSE. An abuser will use money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his partner/wife. NOTE: Some victims have control of the money, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. or at least access to them. Abusers may not have the ability to control finances correctly and a few victims are permitted to control or access the finances so that bills can be paid, but the abusers also keep access to finances themselves, and can use them as he wishes, which throws the couple's finances into chaos.

TRUE OR FALSE? The abuser becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes his victim's time away from the relationship; keeping her on a "tight leash" and requiring her to account for her time.

t. TRUE. Abusers become jealous of their victims' families, friends or even their own children if they feel that they have lost or are losing their position of the center of their victims' universe. They will alienate their victims from ANYONE who may help them escape or who will make demands on their time and attention, even their own children, both born and unborn. In an abuser, jealousy run rampant.

TRUE OR FALSE? The abuser gracefully accepts rejection.

f. FALSE. Abusers do NOT accept rejection at all. If rejected, an abuser feels that he MUST regain what he has lost by any means necessary.

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser expects the relationship to go on forever, sometimes using phrases like "together forever", "always", "no matter what", and "until we die".

t. TRUE. Abusers are notorious for believing that their current relationship will never fail and that he and his victim will be together forever. Unfortunately, when she leaves him, he often becomes enraged and out of control, as was the case with Selena and Edmund Johnson. Both were Chicago police officers. Edmund, from all reports, was very abusive to his wife. She and her four children escaped and went into a battered women's shelter (one that I stayed at, but not at the same time as Selena) and divorced her husband. She got a house for herself and her babies and Edmund broke into her home on Chicago's South Side through the basement window. He blew her brains out in front of the four children and went to a motel with his service revolver. He called his commanding officer and confessed to murdering his wife and then committed suicide with a shot to his own head. That day four little children watched their father murder their mother and also lost their father to suicide. Selena was the granddaughter of the Nation of Islam's former leader, Elijah Mohammed.

TRUE OR FALSE? He projects extreme emotions onto others, such as hate, love, jealousy, and/or commitment even when there is not evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.

t. TRUE. An abuser can never seem to find the 'middle of the road' per se. He loves desperately, hates intensely, is constantly jealous to the point of exhibiting violence or other forms of abuse, and commits to a relationship almost immediately. This is a BIG warning sign for prospective victims. If they meet one week, he's madly in love the next and proposes marriage or a cohabitational situation within a short period of time, RUN DO NOT WALK to the nearest exit! Many women in crisis do not see this as a warning, rather they view it as sweet and loving. This is due to their own insecurities and low self-esteem.

TRUE OR FALSE? When an abuser feels his relationship is breaking down or if his victim leaves him, he NEVER tries to get her family or friends involved to try to get her back.

f. FALSE. An abuser will try to enlist his victim's friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser will inappropriately investigate or follow his victim.

t. TRUE. An abuser will 'tail' his victim, enlist his family and friends to report on her activities, and, in some cases, engage a private investigator to know of all of her activities, who she spends time with, where she goes, etc.

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser can be very paranoid and may feel that others are 'out to get him', believing his victim's family & friends dislike him and will encourage his victim to leave him.

t. TRUE. The abuser believes other are out to get him. He believes that those around his wife/partner dislike him and encourage her to leave. As a result, he starts to isolate his victim by moving away from her family and friends, make comments like, "Your mother is way too nosy! I don't want her here or you to talk to her!" He alienates her from her family, friends or anyone he perceives will help her escape from him.

TRUE OR FALSE? Abusers are pretty laid back and easy to get along with.

f. FALSE. He will resist change and is often described as inflexible and unwilling to compromise. In essence, it is HIS way or NO WAY!

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser will exhibit negative feelings towards other abusers and strive to protect other victims.

f. FALSE. He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, fiction, or history. He characterizes the violence of others as justified. A good example of this would be if he read a story of a woman being hospitalized from a beating and her abuser being arrested, he might say, "She probably MADE him beat her! She probably was a lousy wife and had a filthy house and he had to put her in her place! SHE should be in jail, not him. She asked for it and he had a right to give it to her!"

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser refuses to take blame for anything.

t. TRUE. He constantly blames others for problems that he made for himself and absolutely refuses to take responsibility for the result of his actions. "You MADE me angry and CAUSED me to hit you!" "If you had done like you were told, this wouldn't have happened!"

TRUE OR FALSE? Weapons are a substantial part of the abuser's persona. He will most likely have a gun or talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons. He refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.

t. TRUE. Many abusers have a fixation on weaponry and view them as tools for power and control over their victims and others who they perceive as 'threats'.

TRUE OR FALSE? Abusers will usually help around the house and with child care.

f. FALSE. An abuser uses 'Male Privilege' as a justification for his behavior. He treats his victim like a slave, makes all the major decisions, and acts like the 'King of the Castle. He doesn't help with the children and may feel as though they are a nuisance most of the time. He will scream at them and may well 'over-discipline' or severely discipline them. He won't help keep the house clean. It's not his job. He's the master and his victim is the slave.

TRUE OR FALSE? Abusers usually come from safe, loving homes.

f. FALSE. Many abusers have experienced or witnessed violence as children. They may have witnessed their mothers being abused or may have been abused themselves, either by their mothers or their fathers or father-figures. In some cases, the abuser's father will encourage him to disrespect his mother and/or women as a whole.

TRUE OR FALSE? Abusers suffer with mood swings or are sullen, angry, or depressed.

t. TRUE. Abusers are often unsatisfied with their lives and their low self-esteem often results in mood swings, depression, and sullen behavior. They are often tremendously happy (when things are going their way) or depressed or angry (when things aren't so good for them). Mental Health professionals are now saying abusers suffer from narcissistic disorder, but I must beg to differ as abuse is STILL a choice. An abuser may have mental or emotional problems, but he still chooses to abuse.

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser minimizes incidents of abuse.

t. TRUE. He tries to make the victim believe that the injury was not as bad as she thought. He'll make comments like, "Oh that's not that bad! It's just a little bruise. You're such a baby!" Of course, the bruise might cover 1/2 of her face, but he will still minimize the results of abuse. He may victim blame to take the responsibility for abuse off of himself and onto the victim. "If you hadn't MADE me hit you, you wouldn't have that black eye! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Now, unless she held a gun to his head or a knife to his throat, I fail to see how she MADE him do anything. He CHOSE to abuse her and refuses to take the blame for his choice.

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser derives his own identity from his victim.

t. TRUE. He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives a lot of his own identity from being her husband, lover, etc.

TRUE OR FALSE? An abuser 'lays all of his cards on the table' from the beginning of the relationship with his victim. He tells her the truth about everything about himself and his life.

f. FALSE. An abuser will create a facade of being a kind, loving, sensitive man and will hide his past abuse from his victim in order to 'trap' her. Once he feels that he has her under his control, he will show her his true colors. This is when the abuse begins. Once his victim is in love with him and sees him as her Knight in Shining Armor, he begins to work on her and abuse her to get total and complete control over her and prevent her from ever leaving him.