Your Horoscope For Today

15 Points Per Correct Answer - No time limit  

1. "There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus / Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day." This verse goes with the astrological sign... Aquarius Aries Pisces Taurus

2. If this horoscope sent you straight to the nearest carnival to enjoy some quality time whacking moles, your birthday lies from... April 20 to May 19 February 18 to March 19 January 20 to February 17 March 20 to April 19

3. "The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud / Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test." This horoscope refers to... Cancer Leo Gemini Virgo

4. If you are currently wallowing in filth bemoaning your failed driver's exam, your birthday must be between... August 23 and September 21 May 20 and June 20 June 21 and July 21 July 22 and August 22

5. "The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying / If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again" is the horoscope offered to those born under the sign of... Libra Capricorn Scorpio Sagittarius

6. Besides being hermits, people born under the astrological sign in #5 have birthdays from... December 22 to January 19 October 23 to November 21 September 22 to October 22 November 22 to December 21

7. "The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon / Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep" is the advice offered to people under the sign of... Taurus Aquarius Aries Pisces

8. If you make a habit of swallowing large melons, making out with movies stars, and brushing your teeth with strangers' toothbrushes, your birthday could be anywhere from... January 20 to February 17 April 20 to May 19 February 18 to March 19 March 20 to April 19

9. If your horoscope in this song is "Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence / Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest," then you are a... Gemini Leo Cancer Virgo

10. OK, so that's you. When's your birthday? August 23 to September 21 June 21 to July 21 May 20 to June 20 July 22 to August 22

11. According to the stars, "Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window / Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak" if you're a... Libra Capricorn Sagittarius Scorpio

12. So, if you're a stupid freak, when's YOUR birthday? September 22 to October 22 October 23 to November 21 November 22 to December 21 December 22 to January 19

13. "You will never find true happiness...what you gonna do, cry about it? / The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep." This uplifting horoscope is given to people under the astrological sign of... Aquarius Aries Pisces Taurus

14. Your life is destined to be miserable. Before you go wallow in self-pity, tell me the dates that contain your birthday. April 20 to May 19 February 18 to March 19 January 20 to February 17 March 20 to April 19

15. The sage advice "Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no / Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik" was given to which astrological sign? Gemini Virgo Cancer Leo

16. So when is a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face? If you were high on the Strawberry Quik when it happened, your birthday is between... May 20 to June 20 July 22 and August 22 June 21 to July 21 August 23 to September 21

17. "A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you / Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week." This is the solemn horoscope given to people born under the sign of... Scorpio Libra Sagittarius Capricorn

18. If you're stuck in a dead end job and have to have an appendectomy immediately, you were born anywhere from... September 22 to October 22 November 22 to December 21 October 23 to November 21 December 22 to January 19

19. "Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus / You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say." This horoscope belongs to... Aquarius Pisces Aries Taurus

20. If the above horoscope has you riverdancing your way to the immunization clinic, which of the following spans your birthday? January 20 to February 17 April 20 to May 19 March 20 to April 19 February 18 to March 19

21. "All -----s are extremely friendly and intelligent...except for you / Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick." The name of this astrological sign has been removed from the horoscope. What is it? Leo Gemini Virgo Cancer

22. While running from bloodthirsty headhunters, tell me when your birthday is. July 22 to August 22 May 20 to June 20 August 23 to September 21 June 21 to July 21

23. "All your friends are laughing behind your back...kill them / Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den" is the only horoscope we haven't heard yet. Which astrological sign does it belong to? Sagittarius Scorpio Libra Capricorn

24. Ernest Borgnine? You ought to be ashamed of yourself if your birthday falls between... September 22 and October 22 December 22 and January 19 October 23 and November 21 November 22 and December 21

25. What astrological sign is "Weird Al" Yankovic? Answer: (One Word)