Animal Advice from Aunt Agnes

15 Points Per Correct Answer - No time limit  

1. Dear Aunt Agnes, Like any manly male moth, I want to hit it off with the ladies. But I'll confess...I'm not sure who the ladies are! I'm afraid that when I was a caterpillar, my parents didn't offer such instruction. How do I tell the difference without asking them? Signed, Confused in Coccoonville Dear Confused: I'm afraid to tell you this...but there are no female moths. Dear Confused: Look at their antennae, not their thorax! A good whiff of their perfume helps too. Dear Confused: Check out their shapely legs, and see if they stick their tongues out at you. Dear Confused: Well, usually the ladies like to dress in finer wear than the men- plus there's a certain gleam in their eyes!

2. Dear Agnes, I am writing you all the way from Australia, looking for some tips on interior design. I'm a bowerbird, you see, and I've built what I consider to be a fantastic pad. But all the girls are ignoring me. It must be my decor. What is in for bowerbird Sheilas this year? Sincerely, Depressed Down Under Dear Depressed: A bit of moss should catch their fancy. Dear Depressed: Don't be blue- just try blue! Dear Depressed: Show you're a good provider- decorate your house with lots of snail shells and insect carapaces. Dear Depressed: When only the best will do, try emu feathers.

3. Dear Agnes, Like any grouper, I want a chance to make little baby groupers. I want to hear the sound of little fins in my ocean space! But when I look around me, all I see are other female groupers with the same aim. And there are just no eligible males in sight. What do I do? I'm not getting any younger! Signed, Guy Grouper Groupie Dear Groupie, Didn't you know that you don't need a guy to have some fishlets? Dear Groupie, Try some scented cologne to attract the big boys. Dear Groupie, You'll just need to prepare yourself for a long migration. Dear Groupie, You can become a parent- just become male!

4. Dear Agnes, I'm one pooped phalarope. My wife dresses much fancier than I do. She often leaves me at home to care for the eggs while she has a night on the town...and I think it might be with other guys! I am becoming the laughingstock of shorebird society. What do I do? Signed, Henpecked Dear Henpecked, Sorry to tell you this, but that's just life for phalaropes. Dear Henpecked, Don't worry, she's really faithful only to you. Dear Henpecked, Don't you think that it's time that you went out and got a harem of your own? Dear Henpecked, Are you sure she's a she?

5. Dear Agnes, How does a nice earthworm meet another of the opposite sex? Signed, Fishin' For Mates Dear Fishin', Try hanging out in the best pile of rotten leaves that you can find. Dear Fishin', Stop lookin' for the opposite sex...because there aren't any! Dear Fishin', Look for a worm with fewer segments than you- that's the one! Dear Fishin', The ladies are lighter, and a bit slimier too!

6. Dear Agnes, As chimpanzees go, I'm kinda puny. The big guys can run around and look tough- they sound tough too! So they get all the girls. Some of the girls think I'm cute, but if the big guys see me putting the moves on a cute chick...pow! What do I do? Signed, Wimpy Chimp Dear Wimpy- Stand up to the big guys! Fight for your right to party! Dear Wimpy- You know those big red fruit you like? Eat more of them! Dear Wimpy- You just may have to give it up and move in with the baboons. Dear Wimpy- Hang out behind a big rock...if you're cute, the gals will find you!

7. Dear Agnes, I'm a blue whale expecting a blessed event. How long do I have to wait before I hear the sounds of little flippers? Signed, Anxious in Antarctica Dear Anxious, In 17 months, expect lots of congratulations from the marine set! Dear Anxious, In about two years, you'll have a cute little cetacean! Dear Anxious, About 11 months from now, you'll have a bouncing blubber baby! Dear Anxious, Can you believe that only 8 months from now you'll be a big mama?

8. Dear Agnes, Like any other garden snail, I enjoy a nice long courtship, with lots of flirting and nibbling. But "he"- I use "he" because I'm sure you know we are hermaphrodites- insists on firing sharp darts at me! So I fire back, naturally- but why are we doing this? Signed, Pained in Peoria Dear Pained, Hate to tell you this, but I don't think "he" likes you Dear Pained, Get away! "He" isn't really your kind- he's a vicious predator Dear Pained, "He" wants to tie himself to you- for life! Dear Pained, Your partner is trying to ensure that your babies are "his"

9. Dear Agnes, I think I'm a pretty handsome wolf spider, and I know a nice girl who lives under a branch up the street. But the females of my species are kind of known for eating their mates. I don't really want to become dinner- what do I do? Signed, Want to Stay Alive Dear Alive, Sorry, but if you want to have a little fling, you have to be prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice. Dear Alive, It's pretty simple. Just get to know her well- from a distance!- before you put the moves on her. Dear Alive, Bring her presents. A nice juicy fly will cool her temper. Dear Alive, You can make that silk for a purpose you know...tie her up!

10. Dear Agnes, I'm a frazzled fruit fly. My husband is always begging me for more, but I just don't feel like making whoopee. Is it just that I'm too tired from tending to our brood of lovely maggots or what? Signed, Disinclined Drosophila Dear Disinclined- Try papaya. It works. Dear Disinclined- After the maggots have grown and flown away, you will really want to play! Dear Disinclined- You need more exercise. You have to fly before you can...you know. Dear Disinclined- Blame it on your husband- it's all his fault!