The Definitive Quiz on P.D.Q. Bach

Answer: Peter Schickele

Growing up in Iowa and North Dakota, Schickele's influence by such different music genres as chamber music and Spike Jones most likely assisted in the creation of P.D.Q. Bach.

Answer: Nothing

The youngest of 21 children, father Johann Sebastian simply ran out of names. In fact, it's reported P.D.Q. didn't have a name until he was five, when he was christened at a shipyard instead of a church (this led to frequent headaches for the rest of his life).

Answer: Write-in candidate for Pope

Irish cousin Schweinhardt 'Piggy' Bach was the unsuccessful papal candidate, despite the 'Bach for Pope' buttons and T-shirts.

Answer: 'Erotica Variations for Banned Instruments and Piano'

Among the many innovations in P.D.Q.'s music include the double reed slide music stand, the left-handed sewer flute, shower hose in 'D', the Hardart, nose-flute, the Dill-Piccolo, the 'windbreaker' balloons, foghorns, kazoos, wine bottles, bicycles and the 'Lasso D'amore' (used by Viennese cowboys in the late 18th Century, making Vienna the 'Cow Capitol' of Europe).

Answer: 'Hansel and Gretel and Ted and Alice'

Another reason Bach has been hailed as 'a crack in the dam of culture'.

Answer: Being used to strain coffee

A preliminary exam showed the cantata through the coffee grounds (and the reason for the bad taste of the coffee).

Answer: 'The Abduction of Figaro'

That is to say, this is the only opera discovered in its entirety. Other opera were discovered, but only in partial form, including 'Iphigenia In Brooklyn', 'Einstein On The Fritz' and 'The Civilian Barber'.

Answer: 'Schubert Got Run Over By A Reindeer'

The 'consort' was primarily written as music to 'wassail' by. Some of P.D.Q.'s drinking companions such as Porcellina Speck, Jonathan 'Boozey' Hawkes and Thomas Collins.

Answer: 'Oedipus Tex'

Reportedly, the pages were used by Davy Crockett as a failed attempt at a bulletproof vest. Not many people know this, but the word 'alamo' is French for 'in the manner of one of the Three Stooges'.

Answer: 'The Serious Attempt'

The Initial Plunge was P.D.Q.'s attempt to learn music, which lasted all of six days. As stated by Scheckele, the Soused Period 'was by far the longest of the three, and was characterized by a multiplicity of contrapuntal lines and a greater richness of harmony due to almost constant double vision'. The Contrition was achieved by P.D.Q.'s death.

Answer: Betty-Sue

After PDQ's death, Betty-Sue married 'Boozy' Hawkins and they moved to Liverpool, England, to set up a publishing house.

Answer: Wein-am-Rhein

Peter Schickele said Wein-am-Rhein was 'remarkable not only for its intoxicating atmosphere, but also for its extraordinary plumbing system, which brings hot and cold running wine into every dwelling.' Bach lived there from January 1778 until his death.

Answer: The Vatican

The manuscript of the 'Missa Hilarious' was discovered by Prof. Schickele in Vatican City along with all the other documents pertaining to P.D.Q.'s excommunication, presumably for writing this in the first place.

Answer: Beethoven

P.D.Q. was introduced to Ludwig Beethoven by his brother, Moe Beethoven. Of the education, it can best be said that P.D.Q. picked up 'a fondness for violent contrast, several pieces of silverware and writing on his sleeve' when no paper was available. There is substantial evidence to show Beethoven's hearing problems also began at this time.

Answer: A last-minute attempt by the Bach estate to discredit him

The inscription was an attempt to make it appear that P.D.Q. could not possible have been sired by Johann Sebastian, who died in 1750. Unlike Mozart, P.D.Q. was buried in a fancy grave befitting his wealth and standing at the time but his family managed to get him moved to an unmarked pauper's grave.