* 'You know something? If you couldn't read, you couldn't look up what was on television.'
* 'Be kind to the people you meet on the way up, because you're going to meet the same people on the way down.'
* 'One who fights fire with fire only gets in trouble with Smokey the Bear.'
* 'If Sunday's supposed to be the day of rest, how can I rest when I'm going to church?'
* 'What's more important, bowling or watching your kid rot?'
* 'I never play horseshoes, 'cause Mother taught us not to throw our clothes around.'
* 'If you're going to be a failure, you might as well be a success at it.'
* 'There she was - dejected, desperate, and stoned. Everything I could hope for in a woman.'
* 'Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?'
* 'If you don't show up to a party, everyone will assume you're fat.'
* 'A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.'
* 'It takes a smart man to know he's stupid.'
* 'There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment medium and that is: Beat it to death if it succeeds.'
* 'Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.'
* 'May the good fairy sprinkle stardust on your bippy.'
* 'Up Your nose With A Rubber Hose'
* 'Get Away From Me Meathead'
* (When told he may be the luckiest man who ever lived) 'No...Dan Quayle is'.
* (On two people using the same bar of soap)'Alright, well, next time you take a shower, think about the LAST thing I wash, and the FIRST thing you wash.'
* 'It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear':