Fractured Airports I Have Known And (Not) Loved Quiz

Answer: Chicago O'Hare

Unofficially heralded as the United States' most congested airport, O'Hare accounts for a sixth of all flight cancellations in the US. O'Hare's status as a major hub means that delays at O'Hare routinely cause jam-ups at most other US airports, or wherever your final destination may take you. I would be amiss not to quote the holy words of Dave Barry: "Hell, which as you frequent fliers know is located in Concourse D of O'Hare International Airport."

Answer: Washington Dulles

Dulles is named after John Foster Dulles, the Secretary of State under President Eisenhower. By all accounts, he was, indeed, dull. According to the New York Times, when someone told Dulles (whose looks matched the sparkle and charm of his personality) that the comedian Carol Burnett had made a splash on the Ed Sullivan show singing a song called "I Made a Fool of Myself Over John Foster Dulles," Dulles "pinched his nose.

His words came out like stones dropping into a pond. 'Well . . . that . . . does . . . seem, well, foolish.'"

Answer: Frankfurt International

One writer describes the security in Frankfurt as a new circle of Hell, with new security checkpoints assembling themselves in your path right before your very eyes. Last time I had no problems. Maybe I got lucky.

Answer: London Heathrow

Paul Garner, host of a British radio show, once played a prank at Heathrow. He dressed up as a taxi driver and gave the Heathrow Airport public address system announcers a piece of paper with the names of two people with foreign-sounding names to be paged. The names were innocuous enough...until you heard them read. "Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed," anyone?

Answer: LaGuardia

Dave Barry blogs, "We're at the gate, waiting to board our flight back to Miami. The plane came here from Miami, and a wheelchair attendant just emerged from the jetway pushing an empty wheelchair, because the passenger she was supposed to be helping apparently already left the plane unassisted.

This caused the gate agent to declare: "Incredible! ANOTHER miracle at LaGuardia!" Airline people have long referred to Miami-to-New York flights as "miracle flights," because they often have passengers who insist that they need a wheelchair to get ON the plane (when they are boarded before everyone else) but somehow don't need a wheelchair to get OFF in New York (when they'd have to wait until everyone else was off the plane)."

Answer: Schiphol Airport

Where but Amsterdam would you find leather seats and a gargantuan shopping mall? When one of my friends arrived in Schiphol, she was amazed at the vast array of shopping opportunities. One Dutch man asked her, "But you have big airports in America too, right?" She could only reply, "But not like THAT!"

Answer: Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta

Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta is the world's busiest airport. Do not listen to Heathrow! Atlanta is busier!

Answer: Los Angeles International

In June 2004, a note scribbled on an airsickness bag caused United Flight 840, bound for Los Angeles, to turn around and go back to Sidney, Australia. The note on the bag? "BOB," flight attendant shorthand for the best-looking passenger. The authorities thought it meant "Bomb on Board," hence the scare. If you enjoyed this anecdote, play my Air Sickness Bag quiz!

Answer: Paris Charles de Gaulle

Humorist Brian Sack writes that Charles de Gaulle airport, known for its striking architecture, was designed by "architect Paul Andreu whose influences include hamsters (tube tunnels), Stalin (decomposing concrete) and Hitler (suffering)." I think I like Dave Barry better.

Answer: Indira Gandhi International

Congratulations if you got that one. An article in the magazine "feBusiness Traveller" cheerfully describes the prospects for finding yourself stuck in an Indian airport: "The business traveller's ultimate nightmare is getting caught up in transit. And if it happens to be an Indian airport, the experience may not be very pleasant. While a typical US airport occupies its own particular circle of hell, Indian airports are not just chaotic. They are also an inherently boring prospect for a passenger with several hours to kill (notwithstanding ongoing restorations and fresh bids for the Mumbai and Delhi airport upgradation)." The article proceeds to reassure the traveller, "Many international airports on the other hand have actually made for some of the highlights of a business and leisure traveller's trip, offering up a slew of activities to fill their time."

I would like to thank editor crisw and Stuthehistoryguy for helping me with my first Brain Teasers quiz. Thanks so much, guys!