Screen Junkies Go to the Movies: Honest Trailers Quiz

Answer: Star Wars: Episode One - The Phantom Menace 3D

The Screen Junkies were not impressed by 'The Phantom Menace' and the release of a version in 3D gave them the opportunity to say so. While the interpretation of certain characterisations in the movie as racist is a matter for debate, they certainly hit the glacial pace of the movie with both barrels: "... get ready for an hour-and-a-half of people standing in semi-circles! Council meetings! DIFFERENT council meetings! And... sitting!" Liam Neeson (Oskar Schindler) plays a distinctly Galilean Qui-Gon Jinn ('Jesus').

This was the only trailer voiced by actor Ptolemy Slocum, who obviously had better things to do with his life. In THREE-DEE! The next dozen or so were voiced by Gannon Nickell who passed the baton on to Jon Bailey in December 2012.

He's been stuck with the job ever since.

Answer: The Hunger Games

This early Honest Trailer claims that 'The Hunger Games' is poorly directed and highlights 'unnecessary shaky-cam', plot anomalies, important instances in which the film diverges from the novel and Jennifer Lawrence's curiously blank and emotion-free style of delivery, as well as mocking the likelihood of cake-frosting skills ever proving to be a potential asset in any child-killing arena of death.

A surprisingly robust and rosy-cheeked cast munches its way through proceedings.

Answer: Robert Pattinson

Whether Robert Pattinson (who appears as Cedric Diggory in some of the 'Harry Potter' films) is characterised as 'Shovel Face' for the constant painful leer plastered on his mug whenever Kristen Stewart lurches into view or whether it's because his face is the size, shape and texture of a shovel-blade is never made clear. Kristen Stewart fares little better in the trailers, variously being described as a 'catatonic teen', 'Dead-Eyes' and as an incorrigible mouth-breather, although she never acquires a regular nickname. Taylor Lautner (Jacob) is tagged in one of the trailer credit sequences with the name of hirsute American footballer Troy Polamalu, whom he resembles.

Answer: Les Miserables

My all-time favorite Honest Trailer has the Screen Junkies pay tribute to the entirely sung-through 'Les Miserablablebles' by launching their own all-sung libretto about a minute in. This unorthodox stylistic device enables them to deal economically with the plot - "Follow along in their epic game of cat and mouse that spans 20 years, which is almost as long as the moo-veee..." (and don't I know? The bloke I dragged along to see it with never spoke to me again). Characters are smartly summed up: Fantine (Anne Hathaway) - "Watch her with no hair! Watch her with no teeth!" And a few general observations are slipped in: "And not since 'Chicago' has a movie tried so hard to convince you that movie musicals are a good i-deaaa..." Lol. One day, all movie trailers will be made this way.

Answer: Adele song

This spectacularly overrated entry in the Bond franchise gets taken to the cleaners in its Honest Trailer, in which the SJs have particular fun ridiculing the ludicrous climactic shoot-out in which Bond (Daniel Craig) selects the remotest wilds Scotland has to offer in order to take on unhinged psychopath Raoul (Javier Bardem) and his army of heavies, backed up only by his octogenarian boss (Judi Dench) and his octogenarian, I don't know, ghillie? (Albert Finney).

The sequence is set to incidental music from 'Home Alone' as Bond and his superannuated sidekicks scuttle about setting Kevin McAllister-esque booby traps for the blundering henchmen. Adele provides the hit theme song as Bond floats off down the river.

Answer: Gone Girl

"This film really could have used some more Tyler Perry. Aaawwwwwwwwwww, did I really just say that?". Although this rarely-heard sentiment is expressed at the end of the trailer, the big-screen adaptation of Gillian Flynn's novel gets, in general, a thumbs-up from the Screen Junkies.

The squeamish reaction of horrified voiceover man to Amy's (Rosamund Pike's) rudimentary method of harvesting some of her own menstrual blood however is well worth a listen. Ha! Women really ARE monsters.

Answer: Die Hard

Sometimes, on special occasions we are swept back into the mists of time, and, well, we're onto hallowed ground here as far as Screen Junkies are concerned. They steadfastly refuse to throw serious shade at 'Die Hard', which they regard as a perfect masterpiece. "The guy's tank top is in the Smithsonian, for crying out loud!".

They're all 11 years old, you know. And don't moan if you went for 'Rising Sun'. That was the '90s. Ha.

Answer: Jupiter Ascending

After seeing 'Jupiter Ascending' down Nantgarw Multiplex I had a nervous wait for a few weeks to find out whether my critical faculties were deserting me and whether or not the SJs would confirm my suspicion that I'd already been able to find a film WORSE than 'Sucker Punch'. I needn't have worried! They hated it! Plot, acting, screenplay, effects, characterisation, the lot: all horrible or overblown. "Look out, Scientology! There's a new ridiculous space opera in town. And it makes even less sense than 'Battlefield Earth'..." (tick!)."If you've been waiting for a female sci-fi lead character on par with Ripley or Sarah Connor, get ready... to keep waiting!" (tick!). Eddie Redmayne "makes a retroactively strong case for the Academy to take back his Academy Award..." (tick!). Worst of all, the movie fails to kill off a character played by Sean Bean, cinematic heresy as far as the Screen Junkies are concerned.

Answer: Ryan Reynolds - 'Deadpool'

This can only be gorgeous, pouting, wise-cracking sex god Ryan Reynolds who goes to great and unusual lengths to pro-actively promote the 'Deadpool' franchise, in spandex. He's going to go out with me one day, when he comes up the Rhondda, although, um, I haven't actually, umm, told him that yet. Obviously 'Deadpool' is the kind of thing that's right up Screen Junkie Street, but Ryan rightly takes the idiots to task when they start trying to criticise his film for being occasionally derivative, unoriginal and a bit sweary. Needless to say, they shut up when he glares at them.

They have to call him 'Mr. Pool'. Ha ha.

Answer: 'Let It Go' - 'Frozen'

On the whole I suspect the Screen Junkies would prefer to get stuck into the latest Michael Bay abomination with brain-bursting explosions, risible plot twists, sci-fi weaponry and, of course, bewwwbs, than spend a valuable hour-and-a-half in front of the latest Disney animated musical romance.

This is to ignore the fact, however, that some of their outstanding work has been achieved in the declining art of parodying popular songs, or fragments of songs from movies such as 'Frozen' or 'Moana'. In fact, they're usually so good, I expect somebody else gets it all organised. Probably a woman.