Special Sub-Topic: Gobbledygook Click Here To Play: Gobbledygook

What would a soldier do with a "combat emplacement evacuator"?

Dig a hole. A "combat emplacement evacuator" is a shovel. US Representative H.R. Gross of Iowa used to issue "Gobbledygook Awards" to examples of gobbledygook he came across in legislation. The US Army actually used "combat emplacement evacuator" in a request for shovels.

In a school classroom, what is an "individualized learning station"?

Desk. "Individualized learning station" comes to us courtesy of the US Office of Education. A chalkboard would be a "wall-mounted display for interfacing with calcium sulfate sticks." A locker would be a "personal appurtenance storage unit." Lizards are filthy, nasty things. I don't think a lizard cage has any place in a classroom.

What does a "sanitation engineer" do?

Collect garbage. Face it. Wouldn't your parents be more impressed if you told them you were a "sanitation engineer" rather than a garbage man or woman? A rabbit hunter would be a "verminator." A building painter would be a "facade protector." A road paver would be a "by-way solidifier."

If you were "in reduced circumstances" what would you be?

Poor. Maury Maverick coined the term "gobbledygook" while he was in President Franklin D. Roosevelt's administration. Maverick likened the long words to the sound of turkeys he remembered from his youth growing up in Texas. They would say "gobble, gobble, gobble, gook."

If your government announced "revenue enhancement" what would they be planning to do?

Raise taxes. President George H.W. Bush was opposed to "revenue enhancement." At the 1988 Republican National Convention he announced: "Read my lips. No new taxes." He promptly won the nomination and eventually became President of the United States. And there were no "new" taxes. Existing tax rates were raised, but no "new" taxes were introduced during his tenure.

Should we all be worried about "poorly buffered precipitation"?

Yes--it is acid rain. Acid rain results from nitrogen and sulphur compounds, mainly from gas-powered vehicles, forming acids in the atmosphere. The resulting acid rain is harmful to plant life, fish, and soils. It can even be linked to cancer in humans. At this point, acid rain is not a big problem in Northamptonshire, England. Floppy rabbits are a much bigger threat.

Who in the Armed Forces would use an "aerodynamic personnel decelerator"?

Paratrooper. That would be a parachute. By using gobbledygook like this the US Navy once spent $34,560 for 54 toilet seats. That is $640 per toilet seat. They did not call them toilet seats, though. They bought 54 "molded plastic covers for the toilet system" in Lockheed P-3 Orion aircraft. They bought them from Lockheed, a manufacturer of aircraft, missiles and space rockets.

What would a train station that boasted of an "intermodal interface" have?

Bus stand. Any place where two or more modes of transport meet is an "intermodal interface." The train station in this question could also have a taxi stand, an airport terminal, or even a rickshaw loading zone as "intermodal interfaces." I would submit that most stations and terminals are "intermodal interfaces" somehow.

At work, what would happen to a "candidate for derecruitment"?

Be fired. Recruiting is when you get someone to join your organization. Derecruitment would then be when you get someone out of your organization. Being promoted should only lead to derecruitment if the person promoted misused their new authority. Being named in a sexual harassment suit would not necessarily lead to derecruitment. Nowadays the person named would first be required to attend sexual harassment training (and by that I mean learning how NOT to sexually harass someone. You learn that distinction right away...or so I'm told.) Being given a deputy is generally a good thing unless your deputy is young, talented, ambitious and conniving and they undermine you and spread rumors about you until they get YOUR job. But I digress.

Which of the following means "economic recession"?

Period of accelerated negative growth. It has "accelerated" in it so at first blush it seems like a good thing. It even has "growth" in it--another good thing. You have to look carefully to pick out "negative." That is what makes gobbledygook so tricky. It is designed to make something bad sound good.