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Subject: We are many

Posted by: Jazmee27
Date: Jun 20 20

Hey. We have DID, which stands4Dissociative Identity Disorder. our system name is now the sanctuary hope system. &we have a cluster group (mostly comprising infants&toddlers--an army of them) named Legion (a small portion of the group splintered off2become Rogue Legion... these are folks stuck in destructive ways&past beliefs detrimental2the whole. some people might consider how we live our lives2b detrimental, since we dont attend therapy or take medication (there is no treatment4DID, only the symptoms of comorbid disorders).

DID used2b called MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder); that's outdated, since DID isnt a personality disorder. &we dont care4the term alters, since we see ourselves as people (some systems say parts, &that's fine&good4them; however we prefer folks or Legion.

Hikarumichi is leader of sanctuary hope system, &Osanu is leader of Legion. if we sign a name at the bottom of the post, it indicates who wrote the post. if someone wants2call attention2a specific person in this head, simply write the name of that person. otherwise, whoever fronts next will try2answer any questions yu might have, or continue whatever convo was already started, etc.

sometimes, we get passionate about things, or carried away with emotion. we'r trying2do better, since this has cost us 2friendships with fellow DID/DDNOS systems.

- Legion

191 replies. On page 3 of 10 pages. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

'tis not a happy story
as indeed our lives are not
and we cannot imagine
another way...
so when people tell us
to dream and rechange the ending
it just makes us confused
coz that is not
how it works for us
is unfair to say
we did not try
or to tell us that
there no such thing as try.
spend a month in our lives
then talk to us
of how we should change
or better yet
learn how to accept us
just as we are
not trying to change us
as indeed control is
what got us in this mess
in the first place.

Reply #41. Jul 07 20, 8:37 PM

can you hear the music?
thrumming through your veins,
your every breath adjusting to the beat,
that smile on your face so great to see;
the dancing starts,
you can't help but join in,
it feels like you're flying:
while the music plays,
all is magical...
and then,
the song ends,
and you feel sad,
wishing that moment
could have lasted.
memories persist,
yet they are not the same
as that carefree moment,
swaying to the beat.

Reply #42. Jul 08 20, 9:04 AM

spent over $300 on groceries

signed4 checks (rent, phone, electric&groceries)

we had "an accident with fruit salad" (i.e., two of the containers popped open&we needed help cleaning them up)

got a boatload of Braille magazines (most were Science News, but also got 3 volumes of an issue of Nqational Geographic, several issues of our puzzle book--called Conundrum--&two issues of short stories)
List of stories:
- 'Sheltered Woman' by Yiyun Li
- 'Love Letter' by George Saunders
- 'Jail Break' by Matt Stewart'
- 'We Shall Not Be Moved' by Beth Morrey
- Herman Wouk Is Still Alive' by Stephen King
- 'The Woman Who Returned and Exchanged Her Husband' by CeceliAhern
- 'If a Book Is Locked, There's Probably a Good Reason for That, Don't You Think' by Helen Oyeyemi

Reply #43. Jul 08 20, 10:31 AM

worry not
just stay with me
hold my "hand"
and hold my hand;
look at me:
we will get through this
though long it might take
'cause it pays
to do it right.
I see you relax
and I am glad
to know you feel safe
here and now.
it all may change
but just remember:
together we will
find a way.

Reply #44. Jul 09 20, 1:49 AM

shyt Im not surprised I know what appears2b systemic shutdown looks ike surprise but that 's not what this is... sigh...

we felt nothing mostly when we told Florida&California forced2close businesses but when Colorado was on that list body stopped breathing4a second (held her breath but it 's much the same thing). that makes it appear we were surprised&I know we werent... just coz something was triggered doesnt mean we were surprised

we upset that we still feel this pull, connection, 2that other system... which has been named&we were told2basicly 4get about them&perhaps that 's why the programmin is goin strong&nearly caused everyone2shut down simultaneously

it coz of responses such as those that no1will b sayin their name anymore in our posts... even if we tempted2cry or choked by tears we cant shed&we real triggered coz we miss them terribly&we afraid4themHikarumichi just glanced at me&said uh o coz it appears the fog over Osanu is thicker than before... that all the work we been doin has encountered a major setback

tertiary spin program is bad... yet is it the same one that also causes mass dormancy? we used2think so... weeks back but now we think it somethin else

feck... there messages bein transmitted through system sayin we worthless&we should all just cease2breathe

&there we have the answer coz that not connected2spin at all

the "good news" of sorts with the virus is that there are just 5 cases in our county (down from 10)

statewide total was 827 yesterday; today is 738... 2counties, Perry&Philadelphia, have new cas3es over a hundred (reminisccent of how it was before... with the first wave when everything shut down here)

Lancaster County has38new cases, &11in Dauphin county (prompt response seeing results)

~Lone Wolves

Reply #45. Jul 09 20, 2:49 PM

You'll Never Know

You'll never know how sorry I am for all you went through. You'll never know how much I regret all the times I hurt you. I know you won't forgive me ever, though I wish you would--not for me, but for you... because you deserve so much better, all the goodness life can offer, and holding the pain close to you just hurts you more. Please, my child, let yourself feel. Let yourself love. It's not all bad. Darkness is just one side of the spectrum; it needs light to balance it out. Look for that light, son, this I implore.

~Inspired by real life

Reply #46. Jul 10 20, 12:07 PM

who likes storms?

we dont but can appreciate that somdo

Reply #47. Jul 10 20, 7:15 PM

I enjoy watching storms from my front porch. I have a south facing porch, most of the storms here, come from my southwest. I follow the storms projected path and compare it to their actual path, and see if I can ascertain the deviation, if any.

Reply #48. Jul 10 20, 9:22 PM

one of us used2open windows&doors just2see how powerful the winds were

Im not sure we confirmed who did that

in September 2003 a hurricane made its way felt here (peak season, September, is when we feel them if we going2)

we were living in an apartment that should have been condemned with "the parent"

not sure how it happened, but the only memory we have is from when she wasn 't home, &we opened the storm door22see if the winds were really as bad as we'd heard

today, we can 't believe we did that

the apartment was on the second floor, with a wooden porch (with these flimsy rails with gaps between them... and the wooden steps had gaps between them also).

the apartment where we live now has both an inner&outer window setup; 2 windows in the living room (one in front of the vents, which are in front of the piano... &the other beside the padded chair) &one in the bedroom (above our bed).

Reply #49. Jul 11 20, 10:37 PM

cruel intentions and caring souls
Cruelty is leading you on like that, making you believe someone cares... years ago, you thought you came to terms with how people were. wstill, somehow there's the thought in the back of your mind that someone out there truly means what they write in their messages. surely, you think, someone values you for the treasure you are. everyone can't be cruel, right? basic human instinct to survive, to be loved for oneself, to be valued as special, seen as anything other than just another object to be thrown away or toyed with... it springs up inside, takes hold and squeezes. you know someone cares; they said so. you stare transfixed, daring to believe. at the appointed hour, you go to the place the note told you to. there is no one. your shoulders slump; every day is just more of the same. wait... someone is coming.... you straighten and try not to act too anxious. you fail miserably, and he surprises you... by actually taking the time to comfort you. can it be? is he the one you waited for all this time?
-INSPIRED BY SOMETHING I read

Reply #50. Jul 12 20, 7:54 PM

Very apt analogy... sad though it be... &dont u dare start in on us about how we need2firm up our own foundations... cos if yu'v never known it then it just will not happen no matter how much u try...

no father that we know of. shaky foundation cus mother not care¬ see us, not know us... belittle us wen weay what she no want us say&if we no behave how we supposed2behave

people say just reshape urselves&we try... continually... just2fall repeatedly

~Alyn

"The father is like the inner walls of the house (sometimes could even be the supporting walls). A father is not necessarily needed but is nice and important to have. A father helps mold the house into something unique, something to be admired. It gives the house its own rooms, its own compartments to store objects precious to the house, knowledge that can continue with the process of forming a unique object.

"Without the walls, the house is plain; there isn't much life to it. The child can still try and decorate their being with odds and ends, but without the father there is no organization in the mess of knowledge. The child becomes like a cluttered attic; everything is tripped over and the only thing that collects after a while is dust. Nothing is put to use, just stored.

"The mother is the most important part. The mother is the foundation of everything. In the first nine months of the child's life within the womb the mother becomes the house herself, protecting the child from all harm in the real world. But once the child draws their first breath, the mother becomes the foundation, a stable point for the child to grow upon. For a child to be raised to be all it can be, the mother must be smooth, properly lain and sturdy for the child to fall back on.

"But when the mother doesn't care, she is unstable and the child, the house, will fall. It doesn't matter if the father is there or not, without the foundation in the child's life, it grows up lost, weak. The guidance of what must be is gone. There really is no ambition to finish the project.

"The child is the house over all, the final product of everything put together. The mother and father must come together just as the foundation and the walls must form into one. If one thing is missing, or just crude, then great disaster can follow..."

"with a poor foundation what could have been will never be realized. In order to fix the mistake of the wrong foundation, the whole project must be torn down, destroyed.

"I am a dilapidated house, never given the proper chance to show what I can be because I never had the foundation I was in need of. The supplies to form my being were weak in the first place, but when I was being formed in my early years the foundation found it upon herself to punish and torment me for my decrepit being.

"And the rest of the world knew this. Whether through my terms of architecture or just because the damage was external as well as internal, they knew I had to be torn down."

Reply #51. Jul 13 20, 2:04 PM

do you see me
as I wander through the halls,
unsure where I am,
searching for answers,
hearing spooky sounds in my head;
as I cry out:
does anyone hear me, see me, know me?
day after day, nothing but fog all around me,
enveloping limke a toxic blanket...
does anyone care
to unfold the layers,
anchor me to this plane?

Reply #52. Jul 13 20, 5:12 PM

my heart is sad

keep remembering those we lost touch with

memories swirl around...

Erik Beyer was a system...

we say "was" becaus we were friends, &then we had a falling out

many of us considered them family

they told us they saw us as the same

we made a mistake&didn 't listen2them when they said all they needed waas spacce

we were hurt, &so lashed out at them&said things they didn 't mean

they made accusations... then told us not2reply

we did becaus the pain of the accusations was too great... &we couldn 't just let it go

then they unfriended us, &we got more upset&desperate

they said we couldn 't b sorry cos if we were we'd leave them alone

we aren 't excusing our behavior

we explaining

maybe explanation look like excuse but it not one

we so hurt...

that back in April :'(

Reply #53. Jul 13 20, 11:20 PM

this place feel dead

Reply #54. Jul 13 20, 11:21 PM

we. have a problem.
,
,
,
,
,
toddler: *screaming at another toddler* no. u gyv it bak it mine!

*sigh*

they dont want2listen2"the share talk" today. all adcross the system it's: "if it mine it mine! u giv it bak it mine! u no can hav it it mine!"

what do you do in this case?

note: pretty sure we'v mentioned this, but we have armies of infants and toddlers.

adult takes toy away, child shrieks&starts hitting adult. etc. etc. etc.

Legion's out of control.

- Osanu

Reply #55. Jul 14 20, 9:41 AM

we wish
we had never met you
at least then it would b
easy2ignore you
&2pretend
you never existed.
we did get2know you
&love you
&now we hate ourselves
or maybe we hate you
or a bit of both
becaus we cannot move on
without pain that feels like knives
swords piercyn our insides
day in&out we bleed
yearnin4somethin that will never b again
months&years stolen from us
coz we got2know you
&now that you are gone
we cannot forget
cannot thank you4the memories
cannot go forward in our lives
cannot express what it is like.
people tell us
"get over it"
&
"move on"
&
"leave the past in the past"
&other hurtful things
nothing like that helps us
nothing makes it bearable
nothing takes away the pain
nothing stops the bleeding
nothing closes that gaping wound
nothing makes us feel alive.
we roam through rooms
uncertain where we goyn
time ceases2mean anythin
without you in our lives
2provide
direction.
people talk
about dependency
yet that hurts us
as much as that void
&does not help us
2move on
2live
2b free
2heal.

~Lone Wolves

Reply #56. Jul 14 20, 1:01 PM

Suzy from downstairs called

the box of stuff from July-August-September Minnrebeccca ordered arrived

real big box

it on our couch waitin4her2come over whenever she does (last weekend she wasn 't able2)

Suzy also remembered2talk2Amy about comin up2clean our floors (she had wanted2say something last week but forgot)

we have apartment inspection the 28th

she leavin the 25th

so we scheduled4the23rd

it$25 an hour4her2come clean our floors

Reply #57. Jul 14 20, 1:07 PM

Schools athletic programs&sports programs canceling games through next year (no fall competitions, etc.) heard2or3so far, including1university (Millersville we think it was)

back-to-school plans being discussed

Reply #58. Jul 15 20, 3:11 PM

When I go back to school in the Fall, the classes will be a combination of Online and Sync. I was hoping for Face to Face but it appears that it is not to be just yet.

Reply #59. Jul 15 20, 4:41 PM

Pardon my ignorance, but what is sync?

Reply #60. Jul 19 20, 6:25 AM

191 replies. On page 3 of 10 pages. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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