Prudish Alt Rock Lyrics Trivia Quiz

Answer: Red Hot Chili Peppers

Despite the pleasingly charitable instruction, "Give It Away" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers seems to be an utterly inscrutable boast of some sort. I fear it has something to do with one of "Blood Sugar Sex" or "Magik" (the album on which it appears) - perhaps Anthony Kiedis is being polite and loaning sugar to a baking neighbor, but one can't be too careful these days.

To be honest, there aren't a lot of Red Hot Chili Peppers lyrics I understand, but they usually carry themselves with the attitude like I'm supposed to be offended, and I try to follow my nose on these things. We definitely have to delete Kiedis singing about his "fertility," but I don't want to know whatever's in that "bucket of lucky mobility." Children, if sharing is caring, please do choose something USEFUL to share!

Answer: The Presidents of the United States of America

The song "Lump," by The Presidents of the United States of America - a band name we can assume was chosen to confuse and possibly irritate the public - tells the story of an unusually aimless woman (somehow this is supposed to imply something about the feelings of young people in general). This young lady, whom the singer nevertheless obsesses over, meanders through her life without direction or ambition. My better version gives Ms. Lump a rewarding pastime - although, so as to not cause offense to the lady's parents, I restrained myself from changing her unusual name.

That no-talent hack parodist Alfred Yankovic, who refers to HIMSELF as "Weird," performed a version of the song called "Gump." Far from improving the moral content of the song, Yankovic tells an obscene, non-sequitur, meaningless tale about a simpleton eating chocolates on a park bench, who then commits to exposing himself before the *actual* President of the United States of America!

Answer: Kings of Leon

It would make a fitter of ladies' bodices blush even to repeat the name of this "Kings of Leon" track, so I will spare you the fainting spell and call it "Friendship on Fire." The song is a series of scant, yet suggestive portrayals about being in the thrall of... friendship. Let's just say the "light," or rather dark, "of the alley" was not originally a gaming hall.

In spite of accusations to the contrary, I understand young people quite well, and a song like this requires something equally scandalous to replace it. I have chosen bowling, as despite the (quite reasonable) efforts to ban it during the 1840s, due to its highly addictive properties, it has wormed its way all through the world with no cease. I am willing to compromise on this front - and let it never be said that Procrustes A. Prude is not a man of his time!

Answer: Cake

The original song is called "Short Skirt/Long Jacket," a title no doubt designed to make a pubescent boy drool. I believe the band "Cake" thought they were being cute with their references to this accomplished woman, almost mockingly referring to her "allocations" and "good dividends." Using a thin mask of euphemism to objectify a woman does not, for a sensible person, make for an acceptable song. I find it essential that we truly put this young lady's qualifications front and center, and set her other "assets" out of the picture altogether. Perhaps a more cunning linguist can eliminate the focus on "want" altogether - wouldn't this song be a humdinger if it were told from the perspective of a generative AI reviewing cover letters?

Answer: Oasis

The Manchester band "Oasis" are thought of as a fairly optimistic crew (Andy Bennett has called them "the sonic voice of Northern pride"), but their pie-in-the-sky, hippie-ish sensibilities frequently disguise highly objectionable drug references. "Champagne Supernova" bombards the listener not only with images of spiritous liquors flying across the room, but also asks, "Where were you when we were getting high?" Answer: doing something better than associating with drug addicts!

Athletics are healthful activities that I strongly believe should be promoted among all ages. Rather than sing about a "Champagne Supernova," should not we promote something *positive* - a "Sweating Supernova"? A band called "Oasis," that encourages tomorrow's sports starts to hydrate!

Answer: The Pixies

The original "Cactus" by the band Pixies features frankly disturbing imagery of a woman besmirching her clothing, then - for no apparent reason at all - mailing it to him! I hardly know where to begin with the ensemble. How about the cover of their "Surfer Rosa" album, which tastelessly depicts a seminude woman?

As usual, my example proves that it would be trivially easy to convert these lyrics to something people would actually WANT to hear about - namely, the productive pastime of our daily chores. Critics may point out that the symbolism of the original "Cactus" features an element of danger, but I submit to you that this has not been removed - over 10,000 people are injured by their washing machines annually!

Answer: Garbage

Given the puerile, black-hearted emotional shallowness of the original lyrics, I felt it essential to rewrite "Stupid Girl" by the band Garbage to project a positive, properly-oriented message. The original lyrics glorify self-destructive behaviors, including the use of recreational narcotics.

The listener is implored, "Don't believe in fear," "faith," "love," or "hate," nor "anything/That you can't waste." A senseless, nihilistic diatribe if ever there were one, not to mention, rather preachy. These seem to be recurring themes in the lyrics of "Garbage" - certainly not the name a self-respecting group would have chosen! I would hate to think that spewing such negativity could possibly resonate with listeners, and humbly offer up my alternative should they wish to turn a new leaf.

Answer: Harvey Danger

I am loath to insult anybody, but Harvey Danger is not: their song "Flagpole Sitta" (not even spelled correctly) is a veritable battery of misplaced and baseless criticisms of "stupid people" and "cretins" and their "breeding." It was released on their debut, "Where Have All the Merrymakers Gone?" (Speaking!) According to "The A.V. Club," which really must be run by high schoolers given its taste, the song details "when you're self-aware enough to notice how the underground is being co-opted, but yet simultaneously caught up in (and horrified by) this commodification." In other words, there are people out there who not only believe that the "alternative" should be preserved, but that turning it into the mainstream, so everyone can tolerate and enjoy it, is somehow a bad thing.

My version corrects this, by explaining to the listener that all culture can be appreciated by anyone who puts the effort in, using a medium we all appreciate: food! (I myself don't enjoy fatty foods, but the beauty of songwriting is that it doesn't have to appeal to everybody.)

Answer: The Killers

"Mr. Brightside" was released by the wrothful-sounding The Killers on their album "Hot Fuss" (one fears to wonder how "fuss" could be "hot"!). If you aren't galled by the simply charged descriptions of God knows what illicit activities - whatever it is involves "touching his chest now" - then the fact this is NON-MONOGAMOUS will gall you. Our "Mr. Brightside" is actually quite a dim chap, pining wistfully at the relations of a spoken-for lady (who, if we're paying attention, sounds like a loose floozy anyways).

You can thank me for deleting this impotent pining, for what is a proper vehicle to channel pining? Worship! Now, young Master Brightside *can* see the bright side, excited to attend his favorite place of worship. (I have done my best to keep the song non-denominational, to avoid the risk of seeming to have a point of view - please feel free to make changes to suit your own preferred religion!)

Answer: Radiohead

Making its appearance on Radiohead's first album, "Pablo Honey," "Creep" is a disturbing track about a person whose self-hatred is so great, he will not even interact with women - or when he does, they're "runnin' out the door" of his apartment. Why this "creep" has not engaged himself in some improving activity is a mystery left to us sensible listeners.

The songwriter, in other words, needs a serious confidence boost and an attitude adjustment. Yet there is something, unintentional I imagine, that sounds comforting in the melody of "Creep," and so I have chosen to accentuate this quality for my version, "Sleep." It would do this old Prude good to know that this song, once dripping with implausible malice and perversity, was used to soothe a restless, and moral, babe.