Quiz Answer Key and Fun Facts
1. Hi, it's great to be here at A Barrel of Laughs. What a good lookin' audience you are! Hey, didja hear about the wiseguy who went to the bank to borrow some money, and he says "I wanna talk to the loan arranger. And the teller says "I'm sorry, but the loan arranger is out for the day." So the wiseguy says, "Okay, I'll talk to Tonto." Ha, ha! get it? Loan arranger, Tonto? (Scattered laughs.) Ok. Tonight we have some of the greatest comics in the history of show biz in the house. Unfortunately, a lot of them are dead, so don't breathe too deep. Ha, ha! Yeah. (Dead silence.) Okay. First let me introduce the man who starred on radio and TV for many years with his wife, butler, announcer, and Irish singer. He also made a notorious movie called "The Horn Blows at Midnight." He's one of those dead guys. Who do ya think he is?
2. Hey, didja hear about the big accident? A corrections van ran into a cement mixer and 12 hardened criminals escaped! Hardened. Get it? (Moans from audience.) Anyway, another big star in the house smells a lot better than our first one. Like, he's no longer alive. He started as a stand-up like me, became a TV star, then a movie star. In one of his early movies he played a comic strip character. He even won an Oscar as a supporting actor for a dramatic role in a 1997 movie. His HBO special in 2002 was a big hit too. And here he is, my role model . . .
3. Ya know, my cousin was in a terrible accident and he lost the whole left side of his body. But don't worry. He's all right now! (A few more laughs than last time.)Yeah, hey, laugh it up. These are the jokes. They don't get any better. (Boos.) Hey, I think I see another famous comic out there. Man, he's so tall ya can't miss 'im. Clouds form around his head. He started out as a TV weatherman in the Midwest. Then he was on that Mary Tyler Moore variety show. I think they called it "Mary." What the heck is that? What did that last, ten minutes? Like, "Coffee break, everybody! Hey, guess what! We're cancelled!" They replaced it with re-runs of "Hello, Larry," for gosh sake! Then he had his own daytime talk show. Daytime, no less! The housewives didn't know what to make of him. They thought he was the gallopin' gourmet or somethin'. They kept yellin' "Where's the recipes?" Ladies and germs, let's hear it for my good friend, who never had me on his show but that's okay, the big star,
4. Hey, I bought this hilarious doormat. I put it in front of the door to my apartment. It says "Wow! Nice underwear!" It really freaks the Avon lady out. Ya know, I've been in love with the same woman for 20 years. And if my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! But seriously, I think I see another giant of our business out there in the dark. Yeah. He was on a big hit 60s comedy show about a secret agent. He had these great lines like "Sorry about that, chief" and "Would you believe a boy scout with a BB gun?" He also played a cartoon character, some kinda bird I think. Hey, guy, stand up and take a bow! Let's have a big hand for
5. Movin' right along. Ya know, I've always wondered: Do ya need a silencer to shoot a mime? Things like that bother me. Like why are some people unkempt but nobody is ever kempt. No, seriously. Didja ever go up to a really neat person and say, "My, you look kempt today"? And some women love to shop. Take my wife. PLEASE!! Folks, that joke was the trademark of one of the nicest, funniest guys who ever told a joke. He was called "King of the One-Liners" and he would play the violin between jokes no less. I see him out there among you. He's dead, so he might not have much to say tonight. Can you guess who he is?
6. Ya know, my mom taught me the 3 great rules of life. Ya know what they are? Never answer an anonymous letter, always go to other people's funerals or they won't go to yours, and borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect to get it back! Yeah. Ya know, a funny thing happened on the way to the theatre. A homeless guy stopped me on the street and said "Mister, I haven't had a bite in days. Can ya help me?" So I took my pet rattlesnake, Manfred, out of my pocket and it bit him. This is such a fun town! Wow, I think I see another huge star out there. He's another tall one, skinny type. Great at faces and physical bits. He used to be on that show "Fridays." Then he starred on a top-rated sitcom, but I can't remember the name. He did some movies, too, like "Trial and Error," "Airheads," and "Unstrung Heroes." Hey, before I introduce him, can you guess who he is?
7. I was in the locker room at my gym and I heard a guy telling his friend "My mother-in-law died yesterday." And his friend said "How." And he said "The dog bit her." So I said "Can I borrow the dog?" and he said "Get in line." Yeah, it's funny about mother-in-laws. They can really send ya on a guilt trip. When it comes to that, mine's a travel agent! Hey, I see another great talent out there. This one's a girl. A weird girl, but a girl. She does a lot of stand-up and she even invented her own religion, which is based on worshipping her. She calls it "Judy-ism." She's worked with Weird Al and been in some epic films like "Plump Fiction," and "Butch Camp."And here she is,
8. Hey, ya know, I try to keep up on current events, so I read the paper every day. But sometimes, I gotta tell ya, the stories don't make any sense to me. Like today I saw a headline that said "Stolen Painting Found by Tree." Who knew they're hiring trees as detectives these days? Then there was this other one, "Teacher Strikes Idle Kids." I thought they weren't allowed to hit the kids any more! I just can't figure the world out. Hey, I see somebody in the audience who also has a lot of trouble figuring the world out. I remember when he started as a stand-up and he made an album that said he had a "Button Down Mind." He also had two hit TV shows and they both had his last name in the title. Then there was that sitcom with Judd Hirsch. Hey, babe, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Here he is, the brilliant
9. Didja hear about the guy who returned a toilet brush to the store and the girl asked him why he was returning it? And he said "I decided toilet paper would be less painful." This guy's intellect is rivaled only by garden tools. Ya know, I just spotted one really funny girl out there in the dark. She started on the Garry Moore show way back. Then she had her own show and it was a big hit for a lotta years, Saturday nights on CBS. I'll never forget that "Gone with the Wind" sketch. A classic. And Mr Tudball and Mrs. Wiggins. Unbelievable. And she can sing, too. Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for
10. Ya know, you can find jokes anywhere. Not just in obvious places like rest rooms, you know, like "Those who write upon these walls," but even in a place like a church bulletin, for Pete's sake. I saw one that said, "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen Friday afternoons in the church basement." Seriously. This one too: "Thursday night at 7 there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those who want to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in his study at 3 o'clock today." Hey, believe it or not, there's still one more very funny guy in our audience I'd like to have you meet. He's one of the Monty Python guys. He played the Minister of Silly Walks and Attila the Hun. He also starred in that show about the hotel, something Towers. Here he is, folks, a very funny guy,
Source: Author mickeygreeneyes
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