I Counted them all out - Discworld's Vampires Quiz

Answer: Coffin Henry

Although Coffin Henry sounds as if he should be a Vampire, he's the flesh and blood leader of the Canting Crew, Ankh-Morpork's professional beggars. He will threaten for food. Otto Chriek is the Vampire Iconographer with the Ankh-Morpork Times. His subsequent vaporisation by the flash of the salamanders led to him wearing a thin phial of blood around his neck, enabling him, when it broke on impact, to instantly reconstitute himself.

The Dragon King of Arms is the Vampiric head of the Ankh-Morpork Royal College of Heralds and Queen Grimnir the Impaler was the Vampire Queen of Lancre (1514-53, 1553-7, 1557-62, 1562-7 and 1568-73 so far..)

Answer: It gets a stake through its heart

Greebo is Nanny Ogg's cat, who is very pleased to have found a nice bat to play with. When the witches wake up, everyone in the village is very happy because the landlord (who was apparently a 'bit of a bloodsucker') is dead. This is because 'Vampires have risen from the dead, the grave and the crypt, but have never managed it from the cat'.

Answer: Goth make-up

Lady Margolotta apparently looks like the mother of someone who has a pony named Fidget. But her pink jumper has bats embroidered on it, which is a bit of a giveaway...

Answer: Sally

Angua goes through a very bad time when Sally joins the Watch, as Vampires make werewolves feel they're always having a bad hair day, and what's more, she seems quite keen on Carrot, Angua's dwarf (so he says) lover.

Answer: Chocolates

This is when the Watch females are on a girls' night out - 'Striking a blow for ugly womanhood' and she says 'Shoes, men, coffins...never accept the first one you see.' Chocolates are not mentioned, anyway, what's wrong with taking the first (and last) chocolates you see?

Answer: Maladict wasn't given a nickname

The recruits were 'Tonker' Halter, 'Shufti' Manickle, 'Wazzer' Groom, 'Lofty' Tewt snd 'Ozzer' Perks. Maladict the Vampire, Carborundum the Troll and Igor weren't given nicknames. All the recruits turned out to be women, and Maladict was eventually revealed to be Maladicta.

Answer: Coffee

The Vampire was a Black Ribboner, which is a Temperance League for Vampires who have foresworn blood. Coffee is her substitute, and she wears a bean around her neck for emergencies.

Answer: Doreen Winkings

Arthur Winkings had been a happy man in the wholesale fruit and vegetable business, when he got a lawyer's letter telling him he was now Count Notfaroutoe, and became Undead shortly afterwards. Doreen then became a Vampire by marriage, as Arthur didn't see why he should have to go around biting his wife after thirty years of marriage. Doreen's actually far keener on the whole idea than Arthur, and is still being proud of being a Vampire in 'Thud'.

In the wrong answers, Mrs Pivey was the Notfaroutoes' neighbour, and very unsympathetic to their plans for moats and crypts. Lady Meserole is apparently Lord Vetinari's aunt. Magenta (originally Violet) was a witch in Diamanda's coven in Lancre.

Answer: Resilvering mirrors

Mirrors, as far as I know, don't harm Vampires, they just can't see their reflection in them. This was a Vampire who really needed to find a new job, which he did - at Nonesuch Ecclesiastical Supplies - Holy water section, with predictable results!

Answer: Vampyres

The Count De Magpyr trains his children to accept all the things that traditionally are supposed to harm Vampires, such as crosses, Holy water, garlic and crosses. Their family home is Don'tgonearthecastle and in 'Carpe Jugulum' (Seize the throat) they attempt to take over Lancre.

The more astute of you will recognise the Quiz title is a parody on the quote from Brian Hanrahan during the Falklands War 'I counted them all out' and realise that there will inevitably follow a Vampire quiz called 'And I counted them all back'. I hope you enjoyed this one, and look out for the sequel!