Allo Pronto Trivia Quiz

Answer: Officer Crabtree

Arthur Bostrom (born 1955) played the English intelligence officer acting as a policeman "who thinks he can speak French". Officer Crabtree does indeed mangle most common phrases. He would always start conversation with "Good Moaning" (instead of "Good Morning"), even at nightfall.
To convey not only Officer Crabtree's butchering the French language, but also the literal meaning of "Good Moaning", I chose to translate it as "Bon geindre" for "Bon jour". An alternative would be "Bon gémissement", but that does not sound quite as satisfactory.
By the way: Arthur Bostrom can speak French fluently, unlike his character Officer Crabtree.

Answer: Michelle Dubois

Michelle of the Resistance has only a few times mentioned her family name. Her role was played by Kirsten Cooke (born 1952).
Michelle has the habit of sneaking up on people, startling them with the phrase "Listen very carefully, for I shall say this only once" and then expanding on one of the most creative and extravagant plans related to resistance activity (for instance to smuggle out of the country two British airmen stranded in France).
Michelle's catchphrase has been altered a few times. For instance, when she and her resistance girls take over René's café (as René and Madame Edith are reported to have been shot by the Germans), she starts a duet with Officer Crabtree saying "Listen very carefully, we will sing this only once".

Answer: Monsieur Alphonse

Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, is a role by Kenneth Connor (1918-1993). Monsieur Alphonse uses various recurring sentences: "Swiftly and with style" when introducing his business, "I came with the small horse and the small hearse", and finally the catchphrase I've rendered here in French: "My dicky ticker", whenever he feels his heart pumping at high speed (either because of anxiety or because of excitement). Sometimes he mutters "Black suspenders - my dicky ticker", when one of the girls exposes her thighs.

In French this would be "Jarretelles noires - ah, ma cloche capricieuse". If I were to translate Monsieur Alphonse's other catchphrases, I would come up with the following. "Rapidement et avec élégance" has not quite the same ring to it as "Swiftly and with style". And "Je suis venu en petit corbillard avec le petit cheval" is highly unlikely to be deciphered as one of Monsieur Alphonse's catchphrases.

Answer: Monsieur Leclerc

In most instances when the Resistance wants to deliver some goods "inconspicuously" at René's café, they use Monsieur Leclerc in disguise. But all the staff members of the café recognise Monsieur Leclerc at once, even before he reveals his identity by lifting his spectacles and whispering "It is I, Leclerc". Monsieur Leclerc is also the forger working for the Resistance.
In seasons 1 to 5, Monsieur Roger Leclerc was played by Jack Haig (1913-1989). After Jack Haig died, Derek Royle (1928-1990) replaced him. But as René explains, the new Monsieur Leclerc in season 6 is Monsieur Ernest Leclerc, Roger's brother.
Unfortunately, Derek Royle died as well, and his role was continued by Robin Parkinson (born 1929) for the last seasons.
Grammatically the catchphrase "It is I, Leclerc" is correct, but most people would use the grammatical misconstruction "It's me, Leclerc". That's why I translated Monsieur Leclerc's catchphrase as the grammatically correct "Je le suis" instead of the very common "C'est moi".

Answer: René Artois

René Artois (played by Gorden Kaye, born 1941) is the protagonist of "'Allo 'Allo". He runs the local café-restaurant in the fictitious French village of Nouvion, when the French Resistance on the one hand and the German army on the other hand force him to hide various people and objects involved in elaborate extravagant schemes. Michelle of the Resistance forces him to hide two British pilots shot down over France, and Colonel von Strohm (head of the occupying Germans) coerces René to conceal the priceless portrait "of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies, by von Klomp".
To complicate the matters even further, both servants in the café have a crush for René. Whenever his wife Edith finds René hugging one of the servant girls, Edith throws at him the fiendish remark "René! What are you doing with that servant girl in your arms?" (I'd translate this as "René! Qu'est-ce que tu fais avec cette serveuse ?"). To which René replies "You, stupid woman" ("Toi, femme stupide"), followed by some unbelievable excuse.
Other catchphrase of René's are "I'm my own dead twin brother" ("Je suis mon frère jumeau décédé"); "You silly old bat" when talking to his mother-in-law ("Toi, Vielle chauve-souris ridicule"); or "There's a perfectly simple explanation for all this" ("La raison est très simple"), when he sums up to the audience the formidable way he ended up in another messy situation.

Answer: Yvette Carte-Blanche

Vicki Michelle (born 1950) played the waitress Yvette in the café, who secretly is in love with René. She tries to convince him quite often to "leg it to Spain" and marry her, but René is still married to Edith - although legally, he was shot dead by the Germans (with fake bullets). Each and every episode Yvette gets to René in private and while firmly hugging him, she cries out " 'Old me, crush me, run your fingers through my 'air" - which I have translated here.

But almost inevitably Edith finds them in this pose and bursts out in an envious rage.

Answer: Fanny la Fan

Rose Hill (1914-2003) played Edith's mother, Fanny la Fan. Long ago Fanny was one of the great cabaret stars in Paris, and on one or two episodes she demonstrates her fan dance (which naturally is not very seductive anymore - Fanny is well over 80...)
Most of the time Fanny is staying in bed in the attic, and no one goes over there to socialize. That's why Michelle hides in Fanny's room the radio which René and the others use to contact London. Whenever a message from London arrives, the bed knobs start flashing and Fanny calls out "Aaah! Ze flashing bed knobs !" (In French she would yell "Ohh! Les boutons de lit clignotent !").
When Fanny is lying in bed, she frequently taps her cane on the floor while screaming "Edith! Yvette! Maria! Will nobody hear the cries of an old woman?". This is the catchphrase I chose to recognise Fanny by.

Answer: Herr Otto Flick

Herr Otto Flick of the Gestapo tries to recover the precious painting of the "Fallen Madonna with the Big boobies," by von Klomp, or to reveal details on an alleged complot to blow up Hitler. He's also trying to track down the French Resistance operation in Nouvion and the British airmen they're hiding. For all these various schemes, Herr Flick seeks the help of private Helga Geerhart, to whom he most oftenly says "You may kiss me now" (in German "Du darfst mich nun küssen").

But how intensely Helga kisses him, Herr Flick stays quite lukewarm under her attentions. Richard Gibson (born 1954) played Herr Flick during the first eight seasons.

In season 9, he was replaced by David Janson (born 1950).

Answer: Lieutenant Hubert Gruber

Lieutenant Gruber (role by Guy Siner, born 1947) is a gay character posted in France after some experiences on the Russian front he would like not to remember ("Those rough guys at the Russian front"). He had the command of the firing squad that shot René (with fake bullets, but that was something Gruber did not know).

When he meets René again (posing as "his own dead twin brother"), Gruber grows very fond of him. At various occasions, Lieutenant Gruber is speaking about "my little tank" - translated as "mein kleines Panzerlein".

In one of the last seasons, Gruber reveals having given his tank the nickname of Hubert Junior.

Answer: Captain Alberto Bertorelli

One of the most colourful characters in the cast is the Italian captain Bertorelli, a fervent womanizer and pompous fellow. His special catchphrase is "What a mistake-ah to make-ah", translated into Italian as "Che fallo a fare!"
Other catchphrases of his are "I kiss-ah the hand, I kiss-ah the arm ..." (in Italian this would be "Un baccio al mano, un baccio al bracchia...") and "Heil Mussolini! Mussolini never go well." (This one in Italian would be "Viva Mussolini! Ah, Mussolini giammai fara buono.")
The role of Captain Bertorelli was played by Gavin Richards (born 1946) in seasons 4, 5 and 6, and by Roger Kitter (1949-2015) in season 7.