Gland Central Station Trivia Quiz

Answer: Bile

Bile is the digestive juice your liver spits out to help you handle that bacon cheeseburger you obviously earned. Produced by liver cells and stored in the gallbladder, bile isn't an enzyme, but a detergent-like substance made up of bile salts, bilirubin, cholesterol, and other waste products. When fatty food enters the small intestine, bile gets squirted in to the mess to emulsify the fat, breaking large globs into tiny droplets so enzymes like lipase can get to work. If you're weird, you can think of it as the prep cook of the digestive kitchen.

If bile gets the glory, it's because it's well deserved. One of its jobs is to carry waste products out of the liver and into the intestine for removal. Bile is personally my favorite product of the human body because it gives poop its brownish color. That's thanks to bilirubin, which itself is created when red blood cells break down. So in a sense, your liver is multitasking: digesting fats and helping you take out the trash. Cheers to you, liver.

Answer: Lactase

Lactase is the enzyme that turns the sugar in milk (lactose) into two simpler sugars: glucose and galactose, which is the coolest name ever. This sleight of hand takes place in the "brush border" of the small intestine (that's the surface covering of villi and microvilli to suck up all those tasty nutrients), specifically within the epithelial cells lining it. Without lactase, lactose passes through your gut mostly untouched, leading to fermentation by gut bacteria. The result: gas, bloating, and a tragic inability to enjoy milkshakes without a hasty retreat to the restroom.

Most mammals, humans included, naturally produce plenty of lactase as infants to digest mother's milk. In many people, production drops sharply after weaning, a perfectly normal bit of evolutionary frugality. However, some populations developed "lactase persistence" through genetic adaptation, allowing adults to keep producing the enzyme and, consequently, keep enjoying dairy. In this case, evolution decided cheese was worth the trouble, and really, who am I to argue?

Answer: Melatonin

Melatonin is your body's built-in bedtime reminder. It's produced by the pineal gland, a tiny pea-shaped do-hickey deep in the brain. Its release is triggered by darkness and suppressed by light, helping synchronize your circadian rhythm. That's the internal clock that tells you when to sleep, wake, and eat cookies at 2 am as necessary. Unlike caffeine, which shouts "stay awake," melatonin politely suggests, "hey, buddy, maybe it's time to turn in."

The pineal gland itself has been confounding scientists and philosophers for centuries. René Descartes famously speculated it was the "seat of the soul" (cogitat, ergo est). While it may or may not house your spirit, it does house the machinery to convert serotonin into melatonin. This hormonal handoff is critical for maintaining healthy sleep patterns. In our age of glowing screens and late-night Netflix binges of bad television, melatonin production often gets disrupted, which might explain why I look so awful in morning Zoom calls.

Answer: Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a multitasking hormone with a résumé that spans romance, reproduction, and even trust-building between people. Produced in the hypothalamus and released by the posterior pituitary gland, it's famous for triggering the strong, rhythmic contractions of the uterus during labor. In medical settings, synthetic oxytocin (Pitocin) is often administered to induce or strengthen labor, proving that modern science can, in fact, speed up "the miracle of life"... whether you like it or not.

But oxytocin's career doesn't end in the delivery room. It also plays a role in milk let-down during breastfeeding and fosters social bonding in everything from mother-infant attachment to pair bonding in romantic partners. Its nickname, "the love hormone", comes from studies showing its involvement in trust, empathy, and affection. Just don't expect it to fix your relationship single-handedly.

Answer: Cortisol

Cortisol is often dubbed the "stress hormone," though that's a bit unfair. It's also busy doing other things when you're not having a panic attack. Produced by the adrenal cortex (the outer layer of the adrenal glands perched atop your kidneys like cute little hats), cortisol plays a major role in regulating metabolism, controlling inflammation, and keeping your blood pressure and blood sugar within survivable ranges. When your brain detects a stressful situation, it signals for a surge of cortisol, ensuring you have the energy and alertness to deal with it, whether "it" is a tiger or just an inbox full of urgent emails.

Chronically high cortisol levels, however, can be less than helpful. While short bursts are great for survival, long-term elevation is linked to weight gain, sleep disturbances, high blood pressure, and a general feeling that the world is way too loud. The body normally keeps cortisol on a daily cycle: highest in the morning to help you wake up, and lowest at night so you can sleep. Unfortunately, modern lifestyles seem to have missed that memo as well.

Answer: Spermatozoa

Spermatozoa (or sperm cells) are the specialized male gametes responsible for delivering half of the genetic blueprint needed to make a new human. These cells are produced in the seminiferous tubules, tightly coiled structures within the testes. Inside these tubules, spermatogonial stem cells undergo meiosis, a specialized form of cell division that halves the chromosome count, ensuring that when sperm meets egg, the resulting zygote has the correct number of chromosomes (one hopes).

From start to finish, making a sperm cell is no quick task... it takes about 64 days. Once formed, spermatozoa aren't immediately ready for action; they need to mature in the epididymis, where they develop the motility and structural refinements needed for the long frenzied journey ahead. The average male produces millions of sperm every day, so ladies, be nice. We're very very busy right now.

Answer: Protease

Protease is a general term for a group of enzymes that chop long protein chains into smaller peptides and amino acids. In the pancreas, the main proteases-trypsin, chymotrypsin, and carboxypeptidase-are produced in inactive forms to prevent them from digesting the pancreas itself (because that would be very bad). Once they reach the small intestine, they activate and get to work breaking dietary proteins into absorbable bits.

Proteases aren't unique to humans; they're found across the biological world, from bacteria to plants to the pineapple on your pizza (which contains the protease bromelain). In your own digestive system, pancreatic proteases work alongside stomach enzymes like pepsin to ensure that proteins from your steak, tofu, or peanut butter sandwich are transformed into the amino acids your body needs for repairs, growth, and occasionally, showing off at the gym.

Answer: Estrogen

Estrogen is actually a group of hormones that plays a starring role in the female reproductive system. Produced mainly by the ovaries, it helps regulate the menstrual cycle, triggers the release of an egg during ovulation, and prepares the uterus for a possible pregnancy. It also contributes to the development of secondary sexual characteristics, such as the distribution of body fat as well as breast development, so a heartfelt tip of the cap to estrogen.

But estrogen's influence doesn't stop at reproduction. It also has a hand in maintaining bone density, supporting cardiovascular health, and even influencing mood (males get these benefits too from the small amounts created in the testes).

Answer: Triiodothyronine

Sorry, you can't always get a perfect score. Triiodothyronine, also known as T3, is the thyroid gland's most potent offering. While the thyroid produces much more thyroxine (T4), most of that T4 is converted into T3 in tissues throughout the body. T3 is the active form that binds to receptors in cells, ramping up metabolism, influencing heart rate, and playing a critical role in growth and development, especially in the brain during early life.

T3's production is carefully controlled by a hormonal feedback loop involving the hypothalamus and pituitary gland, because too much or too little can cause real trouble. Excess T3 can lead to symptoms like rapid heartbeat, anxiety, and unintended weight loss, while too little can slow metabolism to a crawl, leading to fatigue, weight gain, and a general feeling that you've been replaced with a sloth, so that's another thing I'll have to ask my doctor about.

Answer: Earwax

Earwax is the sticky, golden-brown security guard of your ear canal. The ceruminous glands (specialized sweat glands) in the outer ear create this goop, and if you're looking to make your own, you'll need some dead skin, a few miscellaneous secretions, and just a dash of oil. While it may seem gross, earwax forms a protective barrier that traps dust, dirt, and even microscopic intruders like bacteria and fungi. It also has lubricating properties to prevent the delicate skin of the ear canal from drying out and becoming itchy.

Interestingly, earwax comes in two main "varieties"-wet and dry (not my terminology)-thanks to a single genetic difference. Populations in East Asia and parts of the Arctic tend to have dry, flaky earwax, while most of the rest of the world sports the gooier version.