Ten Suspects, Ten Crimes Trivia Quiz

Answer: Otis Campbell

Once I located the illegal still, Deputy Barney Fife was glad to oblige me by smashing it to bits. Unfortunately, there always seemed to be another one. It's no secret in Mayberry, North Carolina, that Otis Campbell spends his Saturday nights on a bender--never on the wagon--and always comes to the jail to sleep it off. So, after several failed attempts to get Mr. Campbell to reveal his source of moonshine, he's going to face the full set of charges.

With Deputy Fife and Sheriff Andy Taylor's unquestionable testimony, the verdict is guilty. The sentence: Mr. Campbell must carry out a self-service, overnight jail term whenever he gets a snootful. This unusual self-arrest will be filmed for television's "The Andy Griffith Show" (1960-1968).

Answer: Carrie Underwood

The man's car--a "pretty little souped-up four wheel drive"--had been keyed down the side, the headlights smashed with a baseball bat, and the tires slashed. Marking the suspect, Carrie Underwood of TV's "American Idol," as an amateur criminal, her name was carved into the seats. This act was apparently meant to serve as lesson to a former boyfriend, "Before He Cheats" (2006) again. One can certainly sympathize with the suspect's plight, but please, if you must take revenge, keep it within the law!

When questioned, Ms. Underwood claimed the car she vandalized was only a prop, for a music video. (Sigh.) That means this crime was only an imitation, and no doubt the perpetrator expects to get off scot-free like Carrie did in the song. But, she doesn't know I'm on the case, and I never quit!

Answer: Grasshoppers

Just like the Ingalls family so many years ago, locals reported a strange dark cloud blocking out the sun as it approached. Soon, there was no doubt as to its identity; thousands, millions, of grasshoppers rained down like hail. All you could hear was the sound of their chewing away at the lifeblood of the Minnesota prairie. When I went to the scene of the crime, I couldn't set a foot down without hearing a sickening "crunch." My only suspects were clearly the grasshoppers.

The verdict is guilty as charged. The sentence: Go west, hungry grasshoppers, go west. Your eggs will be allowed to hatch the following year, but then you shall reside "On the Banks of Plum Creek" (by Laura Ingalls Wilder, 1937) no longer.

Answer: The Phantom

A thorough investigation revealed that Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny, a former friend of Miss Daae's, was the last to see her after her performance. He reported hearing a strange voice inside Miss Daae's locked room after he left. Initially, the Vicomte was a suspect, but when he received a note from the "angel of music" the next day regarding the victim, I took him off of the list. We soon received word that Christine had returned safely, and though she apparently went willingly, my hunch was correct: she was in the Phantom's lair.

"The Phantom of the Opera" (2004) avoids the kidnapping charge, though I cannot shake the feeling that this poor, tortured soul was responsible for two murders. I can't prove it, so his guilty conscience will have to provide justice. Our Phantom will continue living in shadow, longing for his lost love.

Answer: Sid Phillips

Sid's room was truly a toy's nightmare, filled with evidence of his unusually cruel operations, cannibalization, and wanton explosions. Buzz Lightyear, the space ranger, narrowly escaped death from an explosive rocket strapped to his back! Sid's dismembered toys looked rather fearsome themselves, but it quickly became clear they were only the innocent victims. After making sure that Sheriff Woody and Buzz were returned safely to Andy, I'm going to see that Sid Phillips meets justice.

With testimony from Sid's little sister and Andy's toys, the judge has no trouble laying down a guilty verdict. The sentence: Sid will get scared out of his wits when he realizes the toys he's abused are ALIVE! Hopefully, he's young enough that this little "Toy Story" (1995) will help him change his ways.

Answer: Sparrow

It was a sad, sad sight, all the birds mourning their loss, and foremost among them was Cock Robin's love, the Dove. Our small friend, the Fly, reported that he could only watch helplessly as he saw the Sparrow take aim with his bow and arrow, and bring poor Cock Robin down. Another witness, the Fish, submitted to the court evidence in the form of Cock Robin's blood, caught in a dish. Now, no one will ever again have to ask, "Who Killed Cock Robin?"

Sparrow readily admits to the nursery-rhyme crime, and faces our judge and jury. The just sentence would be, at minimum, a lifelong prison term. But in this retelling, Sparrow has flown the coop! He returns to his century of origin--somewhere in the 18th--and succeeds in dodging justice. Blast.

Answer: Johnny Cash

My suspect was described only as the man in black, but after a brilliant investigation by yours truly, I've found the culprit to be country singer Johnny Cash. If he just hadn't written that song about the incident, I might not have found him out and he wouldn't have that whistling train in his future, always coming around the bend, but never able to take him to freedom.

Mr. Cash never went to trial for this crime--after all, it was only committed in song. Still, he'll long be singing the "Folsom Prison Blues" (1955), but looking on the bright side, they'll bring him to the top of the country music charts.

Answer: Indian Island

It was a horrible experience, going through the house on Indian Island that belonged to an anonymous and absent U.N. Owen. Ten people were murdered there, apparently executed by a fanatic for crimes that couldn't be touched by the law, in a gruesome interpretation of "Ten Little Indians"--a nursery rhyme found hanging in each room of the house. One might have thought Vera Claythorne the culprit, but *someone* was there to pick up the chair she kicked from beneath herself when committing suicide by hanging. Eerie. This one will have to enter the annals of unsolved crimes.

Logically, I know that Indian Island--sometimes called Soldier Island, or another name unsuitable for today's politically correct world--itself cannot be held responsible, leaving me with no suspects. "And Then There Were None" (by Agatha Christie, 1939) is an apt title indeed.

Answer: The Red Queen

"Off with their heads!" cried the Red Queen as I entered her court. Ah, just as I had hoped, I had caught her red-handed. With her day of reckoning so close at hand, I chose to wait until Frabjous Day to see her brought to justice for all the needless executions she ordered. Why, she had her own husband, the king, beheaded for fear that he would leave her for her small-headed, angelic sister, the White Queen! Unbelievable.

If our bloody Red Queen wanted to avoid the inevitable guilty verdict, she should've hidden the evidence better. Once "Alice in Wonderland" (2010) slays her champion, the Jabberwocky, and the crown returns to the White Queen, she will receive her just due: permanent exile to the Outlands.

Answer: Grand Moff Tarkin

Both Darth Vader and Princess Leia Organa were present when the Death Star fired on Alderaan. Due to the Princess's ties to the honorable Rebel Alliance, as well as the fact that the target was her homeworld, I quickly removed her from the suspect list, as well as Darth Vader. This loyal servant of the Emperor believed weapons like the Death Star were insignificant, choosing instead to rely on the power of the Force. So, I deduced that it must have been the Empire's own Grand Moff Tarkin who committed genocide on a global scale.

The suspect is unable to defend himself, so the guilty verdict goes unchallenged. The sentencing is irrelevant, since the accused perished along with his weapon when it was destroyed by a farmboy named Luke Skywalker. For a remarkably accurate reenaction, see "Star Wars" (1977).