A Nice Cup of Tea and a Biscuit Quiz

Answer: Digestive

This biscuit was first manufactured by Mc'Vities, in Edinburgh, in 1892 (no not the one I'm eating!). It is universally accepted as THE biscuit to enjoy with a cuppa char. Poor quality imitation ones can taste like cardboard no matter how high a quality the tea you dunk them in is.

They were originally advertised as "aiding digestion" although this was subsequently proven to be untrue by some well meaning scholarly type, who probably drank coffee anyway.

Answer: Jammie Dodger

The jam is billed as "raspberry flavour" although it is made from plums because, for some ridiculous scientific reason, raspberry jam wasn't up to the biscuit engineering task of welding the two biscuits together. Variants have had smiley face holes to reveal the jam, or even abstract slits. So be careful to look for the heart to be assured of a quality comestible.

Answer: Elevenses

In the United Kingdom "elevenses" is a snack that is similar to afternoon tea, but is eaten in the morning. It will typically consist of some cake or biscuits with a cup of tea or coffee. The name refers to the time of day that it is taken i.e. around 11 a.m.
Paddington Bear often took "elevenses" at the antique shop on Portobello Road run by his friend Mr Gruber in the Michael Bond novels. Well, if the continentals can enjoy a 12 hour siesta who can bemoan the British a 10 minute tea and biscuit break?!

Answer: A Jaffa Cake is a cake

It's a cake and its been proven at court! Mc'Vities, a.k.a. United Biscuits, have been making "Jaffa Cakes" for almost 60 years. It is made of a sponge base with a layer of orange jelly topped with a covering of chocolate.
Under UK law, no V.A.T. is charged on biscuits and cakes, they are "zero rated". Chocolate covered biscuits, however, are classed as luxury items and are subject to V.A.T. at 17.5%.
In 1991 Mc'Vities defended a court case brought by the government which attempted to classify them as biscuits and so render them liable to the V.A.T. charges.
Mc'Vities won their case on two counts;
a. Mc'Vities produced a giant "Jaffa Cake" as an exhibit at court in an effort to persuade the government that a "Jaffa Cake" was simply a mini cake.
b. They also argued that the distinction between cakes and biscuits is simply that cakes go hard when stale, whereas biscuits go soft. It was demonstrated that "Jaffa Cakes" become hard when stale and so Mc'Vities won the case.

Answer: Bourbon Biscuit

One of the elder statesmen of the biscuit tin,"The Bourbon" was introduced in 1910 by the Bermondsey based biscuit company "Peek Freans". It is apparently named after the House of Bourbon, an aristocratic French family, which seems a nonsense as the French are to biscuits as the British are to bread making.

Answer: Custard Cream

The almost classical "Custard Cream" is as British as a knotted hanky on the head of a British tourist in sunnier climes. Perfectly designed for man's incisors to tear apart and then gnaw rabbit-like at the fondant within! Don't be shy to admit it, we all do!
Dunkability is a low scoring index with this biscuit. The biscuit itself appears to have no tea retaining capabilities and the fondant will quickly melt to turn your tea into what would seem like a custard oil slick, not that a custard cream tastes of custard of course!

Answer: Garibaldi

The "Garibaldi" seemingly has more raisins in it than a sizeable fruit cake and is conveniently scored on the surface in places where you should most properly bite into it. It remains unclear whether the biscuit was named after being created in London to celebrate the visit of the Italian 19th Century military tactician and Italian state unifier Giuseppe Garibaldi or the bald policeman from "Babylon 5". One suspects the former!

Answer: Gingernut

A "Gingernut" is the spiciest biscuit in the tin, deriving its name from the spice "ginger" (perhaps not surprisingly) and the olde English word "nute" which was a name given to all sorts of small hard things. Not unique to Britain, this globally appreciated biscuit can generate a sensation from the mildly warming to the almost nuclear explosion of water thrown on top of a recently digested "pfahl" curry.

Answer: Pink Wafer

About as tasteless as a prawn cracker, this nasty little biscuit is always the last chosen from a selection box of biscuits. Whether you have ever bought any or not, there always seems to be remnants of one in the bottom of your empty biscuit barrel. Designed to sell air as a comestible the thing has what is akin to wafer adhesive within its brittle layers which masquerades as a fondant.

Answer: Mint Viscount

The Burton's "Mint Viscount" falls into the category of an Easter egg or Christmas selection box delight, in my humble opinion. How could anything laden with chocolate, wrapped so beautifully and that bears an almost regal name fail to be? Once eaten, the foil can be smoothed flat and made into a scale model of Leeds Town Hall by the semi-skilled origami artisan. To the biscuit connoisseur this was always half the fun of this highly edible little biscuit with ideas above its station.

I hope you have enjoyed this off-beat quiz. I must recommend the book "Nice Cup Of Tea and a Sit Down" by Nice and Wifey from which ideas input into this quiz have been nurtured. Hilariously written, in the style perhaps of the great Bill Bryson, I giggled myself senseless through compilation of this quiz. If you've spent all your free cash on biscuits and can't afford the book then please visit their website at www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com and entertain your chuckle muscles as I did, to the detriment of my family who I awoke in the wee hours with cacophonous laughter.